


Sow the Wind

by Green



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-16
Updated: 2010-03-16
Packaged: 2017-10-08 01:15:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/71200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Green/pseuds/Green
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"For they have sown the wind, and shall reap the whirlwind..." Hosea 8:7 (Spike and Xan have always been girls)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sow the Wind

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to margarks and ladycat for their beta work.

**September 30**

Xan was tired of demon blood. It stuck to the skin, it ruined clothes, and if you were lucky enough to get it in your hair – well. It didn't wash out with one shampooing.

Vampire dust wasn't as bad, unless you inhaled it. It did funny things to the lungs, made them feel like they were on fire.

Tonight, Xan had gotten both the demon ichor – and how weird was it that she was picking up words like ichor? – and the ash. Buffy had been busy, and that busyness had spilled – literally – onto Xan's favorite blouse.

Xan wasn't a girly girl by any means, but she still cared about things like her hair and her clothes. Not in a vapid way like, say, Cordelia, but in a 'I care that I'm not dripping demon blood' kind of way.

She sneaked in late, looking like she'd gotten in a fight with a bucket of green-black paint. Dad was already passed out in the recliner. From the noise, Mom was in the kitchen. There were no comments as Xan came in, and she trudged up the stairs to the shower.

She was in a feeling-sorry-for-herself mood. She often felt that way after leaving Buffy and Willow. Her house just seemed so dismal and depressing at the end of the day.

Maybe she'd put on some country and eat the chocolate she had stowed away for these occasions. After the shower.

The water was cold. It'd been two weeks since the water heater had broken but Dad hadn't seen fit to have it fixed yet. It wasn't _horrible_; Xan was getting used to it. She'd already figured out that shaving her legs in cold water was a Bad Idea, thanks to the razor burn she'd gotten a week ago. Fine, she'd just go hairy. It wasn't like she wore a lot of skirts anyway, and no boys were knocking down her door to feel her up.

She shivered and threw on her pajamas as soon as she was toweled off. Her hair was still wet, but she put it up in a ponytail anyway.

Patsy Cline, check. Chocolate bar, check. Comfortable bed, well. It wasn't as comfortable as the guest bed at Willow's, but it was good enough. She lounged in bed, covers pulled up over the pockets of her flannel pajamas, and tried not to think about her family, or her lack of boyfriend, or her status as comic relief in her group of friends.

She drifted off with a smear of chocolate on her lips and _How Can I Face Tomorrow_ in her ears.

*

The drop of blood on Drusilla's lips was tangy and still warm. Spike licked it away slowly, then licked her own lips.

"How are you, love?" she asked.

"My tummy's full of moonlight now," Dru answered.

Spike smiled and kissed Dru's cheek. "I told you that you'd feel better if you ate."

"I had a dream while I was feeding," Dru said, watching her hair wrap around her fingers.

"A vision, pet?" Spike asked.

"It was all tangled," Dru said, "like a raven's nest, with shining baubles and bits of string."

Spike frowned and sat down on the edge of the bed to unlace her boots. "Do you know what it means?"

"I think perhaps I'm going to die," Dru said. Spike looked up fast enough to watch Dru scratch her face with her long fingernails. Blood and tears ran down her cheeks and Spike pulled her hands away, holding her steadily.

"You'll never die," Spike said, her words sounding loud in her own ears.

Then Dru began to shake, violently, and Spike lowered her to the bed. "Shh, pet. It's alright. I won't let you go."

"Dead like flowers, like rodents and humans," Dru whispered. "She'll come, and then I'll die."

"The Slayer?" Spike asked. "I'll rip her to pieces, love."

"Little pieces I can eat with a spoon?" Dru asked hopefully.

"Anything for you," Spike answered with a smile. She wiped Dru's face with the edge of a pillowcase.

"I'll have to ask the cards," Dru said listlessly.

"Later," Spike said. "Right now, you rest."

She didn't want Dru to see how shaken she was from the thought of her dying. She stroked Dru's hair away from her face. The scratch marks were healing sluggishly; ever since Prague, Dru healed much more slowly. She needed more than Spike could give her. Spike was still tenaciously looking for a cure. She'd find it, no matter where or what it was.

And as for the Slayer – well, she hadn't met her yet, but Slayers could be killed, and Spike had made a name for herself doing just that.

*

**October 1**

Xan sat at a table with Willow in the Bronze, sipping warm soda and doodling in the margins of her notebook. She had written exactly half a sentence on her English paper. It was due in two days.

Not that anyone cared that she had a D average in all her classes. Her parents certainly didn't. Well, Willow cared, but Willow was weird that way.

"Can I stop now?" Xan asked. Her jaw was starting to hurt from all the clenching it was doing. She just wasn't any good at English. Or math. Or science. Or anything else, really, except cheering people up with wacky antics. "My brain is about to leak out of my ears if I don't stop writing."

"How far are you?" Willow asked, looking over Xan's shoulder. "Oh. Are you writing about rabbits?"

"That's _rabbis_," Xan said. "A priest and two rabbis walk into a bar..."

"That's not exactly essay material," Willow admonished.

"I thought I'd start with a joke," Xan said. She pulled at her elastic band and let her hair fall to her shoulders, then ran her fingers through it to get out the knots.

"Why don't you start with your supporting theory?" Willow said. "And then... you know, support it."

"I'd do that if I had any idea what I was writing about," Xan said, rubbing her temples.

"Don't you have a topic?" Willow asked.

Xan gave her a Look. "I'm supposed to write about my family."

"Oh," Willow said. "Oh, well maybe you can write just about one person? A happy memory you have."

Xan just stared at her. Willow ducked her head. "Sorry."

Shaking off the conversation, Xan stood and rolled her shoulders. "Want to dance?"

"I'm not feeling very dance-y," Willow said. "More sit and read-y." She held up her book, something of Giles'.

Xan shrugged; she was used to dancing by herself. The band was mediocre but uptempo, and she nodded at Willow before letting her feet lead her to the dance floor. Her mind was still on her paper, though. Family to her meant Willow, and Buffy to a lesser extent. Even Giles – he had become somewhat of a father figure to the three of them. But if she wrote about them instead of her blood family, she probably would get an F for refusing the given topic. She couldn't take another F in English, not without repeating the class next year.

The song changed, and Xan swayed more slowly.

*

Spike brought her cigarette to her lips again and looked around the Bronze. She liked the place; it was full of warm bodies and warm beer. She'd promised Dru a young morsel but she was in no hurry to find it.

She leaned against one of the support beams. It was hot in the club, sweaty bodies making the temperature rise. Spike liked it. She took off her leather duster and draped it over a chair.

Her eyes scanned the crowd. She liked the looks of one girl, and moved closer to eavesdrop on her conversation.

"I'm supposed to write about my family," Spike picked up. But that wasn't all she heard – there was something in the girl's voice that made Spike curious. There was hopelessness there, and not just about the girl's upcoming grade. Such a sweet girl shouldn't feel so bleak.

The girl's redheaded friend looked understanding, but it didn't seem to make the brunette feel better. When the girl headed to the dance floor, Spike followed.

She sidled up to the girl and smirked. "What's your name?" she asked, purring the words seductively. The girl's face went incredulous and she looked behind her.

"Me?"

Spike smiled a little more and nodded.

"Xan. Harris. Alexandria, actually, but ... Xan."

"Want to dance?" Spike asked, wrapping her fingers around the girl's wrist. The pulse there beat strong and sure.

Xan frowned and looked around again. "With you?"

She had glossy, uneven lips and hair as dark as her eyes. Spike had always liked dark hair and eyes.

"There's no one better," Spike said.

"I don't usually, um, dance with girls," Xan said. Her eyes were on Spike's hand as it moved up her arm gently. "Not that I dance with boys all that often, either."

"It's easy," Spike said, brushing Xan's hair away from her neck and away from her pulse point. "Just move with me."

Xan gulped audibly and Spike smirked at her. She was so young and fresh, and if she had her alone she'd make the girl scream.

"I, um. I like your hair," Xan said. "You don't see that style on girls much."

Spike ignored her own gelled and bleached hair and ran a hand through Xan's instead. "Like yours, too." It was soft against Spike's fingers, with the merest hint of wave. She watched Xan's throat as the girl swallowed.

Xan's eyes were very large, like she couldn't believe what was happening. "You have an accent. It's very ... accenty. Where are you from?"

"England," Spike said, leaning in and sniffing at Xan's neck. She smelled good, like fresh sweat and something woodsy.

"I have a friend from England. He doesn't sound like you. Are you ... are you _smelling_ me?"

Spike trailed her hands down Xan's sides to rest at her waist. She danced close, moving her body to the music, hips swaying in time.

"I told you my name but I have no idea who _you_ are," Xan said breathlessly. She was looking down Spike's shirt, probably noticing that Spike didn't do bras.

Spike smiled knowingly and moved closer, pressing her breasts against Xan's. "I'm Spike."

"Spike. That's ... not really a girl's name, is it?"

Spike grinned and enjoyed the little intake of breath Xan gave.

"I'm not like other girls," she said.

They were dancing closer now, and Xan still looked bewildered. "I'm not- I don't usually-" she stammered. Spike gave her another knowing smile and tightened her hold on the girl's hips.

Xan was looking across the dimly lighted room, over to the tables, and when Spike followed her line of sight she saw Xan's redheaded friend staring at them.

"Will- Willow!" Xan said. She stepped back away from Spike and shook her head. "I should go. Go be somewhere else. My friend-"

Naïve girls were a lot of fun, but they could be bloody frustrating.

"Don't go," Spike said, leaning forward to caress Xan's ear with her lips. The girl shivered and when Spike looked at her again, her lips were slightly parted and her eyes were glassy. Who needed supernatural powers when you had the powers of seduction at hand?

"Maybe-"

A voice came from behind. "Xan, are you-? Well, obviously, but you're- and with a girl- and maybe I should just go now and shut up. Witness me going."

Spike turned to look at the girl. Cute redhead, but Spike had never gone for redheads. She wanted to growl at her for interrupting, but that would give the game away.

"Willow!" Xan said, her voice high. "I'm not. I'm just."

The redheaded girl – Willow – smiled. "It's okay, Xan."

"See?" Spike said. "It's okay. And your friend is going to leave us alone now."

"Right. Exactly," Willow said in a rush. "Leaving right now, but I'll be at home waiting by the phone for _every detail_. Later."

Xan looked panicked, so Spike did what she was so used to doing with Dru. She soothed. She ran her hand down Xan's back and spoke gently into her ear. "It's alright, love."

"I don't want her to think- This is the first time-" Xan babbled.

"Nice, innit?" Spike said. She brushed her lips over Xan's neck and smiled as Xan's pulse picked up even more.

"Nice," Xan repeated weakly. "Yeah."

Spike wanted to take the girl somewhere else and have the night end _nicer_. Xan smelled so good, and Spike's fangs were itching to come out. She wanted the girl to herself, somewhere secluded.

"C'mon," Spike said, gently pushing Xan away from the mass of people and towards a dark corner.

Xan bit her lip and Spike could see the girl warring with herself.

"Don't be shy," Spike said.

"I'm not!" Xan said. "I'm not shy. I just. This is fast."

"Not gonna jump your bones," Spike said. _Not yet._ "Just want a little taste."

By the time they reached the wall, Xan had chewed off any lip gloss she still wore, and her eyes were round and nervous. Spike backed her up against the woodwork and smiled at her. "Just a little taste," she repeated.

Xan's lips were soft and full, and her breath came quick and hot. Spike let her hands wander down slowly until she had Xan's hips pinned. Xan's arms twined around her neck and she let out a small sound, high and breathy. Spike smiled and swiped her tongue across the fuller bottom lip. Xan made another noise and pulled her closer.

In seconds, the two were kissing deeply, tongues licking each other slowly. Spike pressed against the girl more fully, feeling her own nipples harden. She was totally aware of the warm, live body against her own.

Xan moaned and threaded her fingers through the short hair at the base of Spike's neck. Spike kissed her harder, taking control like she hadn't before. She could smell Xan's arousal now, and wished the girl was wearing a skirt so she could just _touch_ and feel that wetness beneath her fingertips. Girls didn't wear skirts much anymore, and even though Spike tended to go with jeans herself, she still thought it was a waste.

"I want you," Spike whispered against Xan's now-wet mouth. Their lips were swollen and sensitive; the slightest brush made Xan moan.

"I don't- I can't-" Xan said, but Spike knew her heart wasn't in it, not at all. Still, she would play along.

"Maybe next time," she said, running her hand up, up, up to cup Xan's right breast.

Xan's eyes fluttered shut and she bit her lip. "Next time?"

"You don't think I'd let a morsel like you get away, do you?" Spike said softly. "You're too delicious to give up."

"Oh," Xan said faintly. She looked baffled. It was cute.

Spike kissed her again, hard and quick. It made Xan's body tense and then loosen immediately, and her arms tightened around Spike's neck.

"Be here again tomorrow night," Spike said. "I'll look for you."

She didn't give Xan a chance to answer, just pulled away and left. She knew it was a bloody mean move, getting the girl all worked up and then bailing on her, but she was sure Xan wasn't quite ready for the full Spike experience.

On the way out, she grabbed dinner, a nice looking frat boy type she was sure Dru would have fun draining.

*

Xan went home feeling bewildered and excited. Confused because Spike was a girl and acted like – well, not how Xan was used to girls acting. Revved up because that kiss had awoken a gnawing hunger inside her. Anxious to see Spike again – her stomach was doing flippy, clenching things at the thought. And again with the confusion because Spike was a _girl_.

She'd never kissed a girl before, except for Willow that time when they were five and Xan proposed and gave her a ring she'd gotten out of the bubblegum machine. But that kiss had been short and childish. The kiss with Spike had been completely grown up and Xan had never wanted it to end.

Xan got into her room quickly. She closed the door and sagged against it. Then she went to the phone. Calling Willow in the midst of a crisis was second nature.

Willow picked up on the first ring. "Tell me _everything_," she burst out before Xan could even say hello.

"I don't know. I have no idea where to start," Xan said, lying down on the bed and biting her lip.

"What's her name?" Willow asked.

"Spike," Xan answered. She heard her voice go a little off and before she could stop herself, she was repeating, "Her name is Spike," in a dreamy tone.

"Wow," Willow breathed.

"I know," Xan said. "I have no idea what I'm doing."

"You like her," Willow said, matter-of-fact.

Xan fiddled with the phone cord for a second before answering. "She kissed me. I mean, she didn't just kiss me, I kissed back. We kissed together."

"And did you see stars?" Willow asked. "Did you feel like you were going to explode?"

"...Yeah," Xan said quietly. "But I've always liked boys. I mean..." She trailed off, her head spinning.

"Are you worried about what your parents would say?" Willow asked.

In fact, Xan hadn't given one thought to her parents. She was thinking more about Willow and Buffy. Maybe Giles. Maybe she _should_ think about Mom and Dad.

"They'd completely freak out," Xan said. She remembered well the time Mom had forbidden her from cutting her hair too short. 'You'll look like a dyke,' she'd said.

Dyke didn't seem like such a bad word, right now, though. It rhymed with Spike.

"You don't have to tell them," Willow said. "And it was just one kiss, right? It doesn't have to mean... You Know." Xan could hear the capitalization in Willow's voice.

"I'm seeing her again tomorrow night," Xan confided.

"Oh, well I meant, see, even if it _does_ mean... You Know. It's okay."

Xan adjusted the pillow behind her head and kicked off her shoes. "I think it does mean that."

"Wow," Willow breathed.

"I know," Xan said. "I mean, here I go along, feeling just as straight as can be, crushing on boys I can never have, and then suddenly it's like... _boom_, girl kissage."

"She didn't pressure you or anything, did she?" Willow asked, sounding worried.

"It wasn't like that," Xan said. "I mean, she was a little pushy, but I think I like that."

"Wow," Willow said again.

Xan said quietly, "So I guess I'm not as straight as I always assumed. Actually, it explains a lot. Like maybe I was crushing on girls before I realized it."

"Like who?" Willow asked curiously.

Xan shrugged her shoulders, even though Willow couldn't see. "Ms. French, maybe. And if you repeat this to anyone I'll punch you, but... Buffy. A little."

Maybe Buffy a _lot_. It explained the jealousy and irrational hatred of Angel. At the time, Xan had chalked it up to 'Buffy has a boyfriend and I don't', but if she was honest about her feelings, especially now that she could accept the girl-likeage thing, it went deeper than that.

Of course Xan still hated Angel. He was a vampire, and he'd done unspeakable things in his lifetime. Sure he had a curse, but Xan didn't think that changed a whole lot. It wasn't really fair to Buffy, either. She should have someone who could go to the beach with her without spontaneously combustion.

"Xan?"

She realized Willow had been talking while she went off on a tangent in her mind. Embarrassing. "Sorry, just thinking," she said.

"I guess you have a lot of thinking to do," Willow said. "Just don't _over_think it. You should just do what feels right."

"Thanks. For everything," Xan said.

"I'll let you go so you can think some more," Willow said. "Sweet dreams!"

"Night," Xan said. "Bye."

She hung up the phone and took a deep breath. Tomorrow she'd see Spike again.

It took what felt like ages to drift off.

*

St. Vigeous Night was approaching, but not nearly fast enough for Spike's tastes. She didn't go in for all the fasting and self-mortification, and the chanting was getting on her nerves. She wanted to go after the Slayer _now_.

"Our patience will achieve more than our force," Dru said to her, wrapping a hand around Spike's neck and squeezing lightly.

"Quoting Burke, now? The Irish were always more Angel's thing," Spike said. She leaned close and kissed Dru's red lips.

"I miss my Angel," Dru pouted. She let go of Spike and massaged her temples. Spike mentally kicked herself for bringing him up. He was a sore spot.

They had both felt it when they lost Darla, felt her spark go out and the link extinguish. Dru took it harder than Spike, though Spike mourned for the loss of a family member, even if it was that bitch. Spike hadn't felt it when Angelus was cursed, the link stayed just as strong as always, but the physical and emotional distance hurt her more than she would admit even to Dru.

"We have each other," Spike said softly. She pulled Dru into her arms and smiled. "And if you want, we can make a new childe. Someone who won't leave us."

"I made babies," Dru said, swaying in Spike's arms. "But they always go away."

"Not a minion, love," Spike countered. "Someone special. Someone strong."

Dru backed up enough to look in Spike's eyes. She pulled her hands away from her face and smiled dreamily. "We could make her together, like good mummies."

Spike blinked, long and slow, then smiled back. _I think I've met her._

*

**October 2**

Xan was in the library when Willow sidled up to her and said, "I need more deets!"

Buffy looked up from carving a stake. "There are deets? How come I didn't know about this?"

Xan blushed. She couldn't stop thinking about Spike and how the other girl had made her feel.

"Alexandria has a _girlfriend_," Willow said in a stage whisper.

"She's not my girlfriend!" Xan quickly denied. "Just a girl. Who is a new friend."

"Who was dancing with you like she wanted to get in your pants!" Willow said gleefully.

"Oh my god," Buffy said. She glared at Willow. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"What, gossip behind Xan's back?" Willow said with a mock pout. "I would never!"

"Liar," Buffy said lightly. "What's her name, Xan?"

"...Spike," Xan said. She felt the blush go lower, heating up her whole body – just from saying her name!

"There was kissage," Willow said to Buffy, head and voice low and conspiratorial.

"You kissed a _girl_?" Buffy said. She didn't sound like it was repugnant or anything, just really curious. "What was it like?"

"Where does she go to school?" Willow asked.

"Good, and we didn't talk much, if you know what I mean," Xan said, ducking her head.

"Oh my _God_," Buffy said. "Seriously?"

Willow was grinning and Buffy's eyes were wide. Giles was smiling faintly...

Giles had come into the library while they were discussing Xan's kissing adventures! She was mortified beyond belief. She hadn't wanted to tell Giles 'Hey, I was kissing a girl last night', but it seemed like she already had. How embarrassing.

"How much of that did you hear?" she asked faintly.

"Enough," Giles said. "And as thrilling as this newest revelation is, we _do_ have other things to discuss. Like, say, the newest rash of killings."

The three girls moaned and turned in their seats to face Giles.

"Any clue what's doing this? Demon? Possession? Or just ordinary vamps?" Buffy asked.

"There's nothing ordinary about these vampires, I'm afraid," Giles stated, opening a book and handing it to Buffy.

"Wilhelmina the Bloody?" Buffy read. "Sounds... well, for one, who would name their kid Wilhelmina?"

Xan snorted and rested her head in her hand, thinking about Spike and their upcoming meeting that night. She lost the rest of the conversation to her daydreaming. There was a mention of railroad spikes that Xan turned to for a moment, but then it was Order of Aurelius, blahblahblah vampirecakes. She was, for once, thinking about what she would wear and not impending doom. Or maybe if she chose the wrong outfit it _would be_ doom.

*

"Going out tonight, Spike?" Dru asked. Her eyes were glittering, knowing.

Spike put the finishing black-polish touches on her nails and rummaged through the pile on the nightstand for her eyeliner. "I met a girl," she finally admitted.

"I thought so," Dru said. "You've been very naughty, trying to keep things from me."

Spike applied the kohl around her eyes without the benefit of a mirror – she'd been doing it for decades and it always came out right, if the reactions of others was any indicator.

"I saw her in the cards," Dru said. "A girl with dark, lonely eyes. She could be very special to us."

Eyes finished, Spike reached for her red shirt. "You don't mind?" she asked.

"Just the black," Dru said, pulling the shirt out of Spike's hands. Spike looked down at her tight black teeshirt and grinned. It was good enough.

"I'll bring her to you," Spike said.

Dru shook her head slowly, licking her lips. "Soon, but not yet."

"I want you to meet her, though," Spike said.

"She'll need time," Dru said. "And we can be patient, like the sea. The rivers will flow into us when they're ready."

"You're usually more impatient," Spike pointed out with a frown.

"This is important," Dru said. "Like killing the Slayer. No rushing, wait until it's time."

Spike didn't mention that she was tired of waiting to kill the Slayer. They'd been in town a week and she hadn't even introduced herself properly.

"Did you see something else in the cards, love?"

Dru nodded, her head bobbing erratically. "Death. Family. A rebirth. And little gnats buzzing all around my head."

Spike wrapped her arms around Dru and held her thin body close. "Whose death, love? Not yours."

"I can't see," Dru said. "The stars are closing in on my eyes and I just can't see."

"I'll move the stars, pet. I'd move mountains for you."

Dru sighed and leaned into her. She felt so frail against Spike's body. "Go and meet your dark-haired beauty. Just remember I'm the princess of your heart."

"Always and forever, love."

*

Xan couldn't borrow clothes from Buffy or Willow. She was what you would call 'big boned', and her hips were a little too large to fit in one of their cute skirts. Not that she was thinking of wearing a skirt and letting Spike's hands wander – it was officially their first date and Xan wasn't that kind of girl. At least, she never had been in the past.

She did own a pushup bra, though, and had a low cut blouse in the bottom of her closet. It was wrinkled, so she hunted down the iron and pressed it out. She'd never gone through so much trouble for someone before, and definitely not another girl.

She usually wore baggy pants, but she had some jeans she'd 'outgrown' that were just the right level of tight. That would do it. She eyed herself critically in the mirror, looking to see if her outfit screamed trashy or not. She'd seen Buffy wear a lot more revealing clothing, so she figured she was still in the good.

She picked out Spike right away when she entered the Bronze. The girl – woman? – was sitting at the bar with a beer and a cigarette. Even from across the room, Xan could see Spike's short black fingernails.

Okay, to take stock: Spike was drinking, which meant she was much older. She was smoking, which meant- well, usually that would just mean _gross_, but for some reason Xan was finding it a little hot. Black fingernails, paired with the black tee-shirt (no bra again, oh god, nipples) meant goth or punk or something. Waaaay out of Xan's league, normally.

Xan swallowed hard and made her way over to the bar to stand beside Spike. Spike didn't look her way, but she smiled.

"Well, I'm here," Xan said. She had no idea what she was doing. When in doubt, babble. "And so are you. So. Want to get with the dancing, or did you have something else in mind?" A little bold, but then, she was feeling confident in the power of her push-up bra.

Spike turned to her slowly, so slowly Xan wanted to tap her foot in impatience. _Well, what do you think?_

Spike smiled wider, looking her up and down like something good to eat. Like Xan looked at chocolate before she devoured it. Spike's eyes rested for a moment at her cleavage, and Xan wasn't sure if that was good or bad. Maybe Spike thought it was too much.

"You look good enough to eat, love," Spike said with a smirk. She was wearing dark eyeliner, Xan could see now, and it made her look dangerous. "Is that all for me?"

"Yes?" Xan said. She watched Spike's fingers as the girl took another drag of her cigarette.

"Smoking kills, you know," Xan said, then wondered if she sounded like a kid. "Not that you wouldn't know that. Says it right on the pack and all."

Spike stood, and even though she was shorter than Xan, she seemed _bigger_ somehow. Full of power that Xan didn't quite understand. Spike wrapped one arm around Xan's waist and pulled her close. She was smiling, still, so that was good.

"Miss me?" Spike asked. Her teeth were straight and white, making her lips look darker and more kissable.

"Maybe," Xan said, trying for coy and missing the mark.

"Want to kiss me?" Spike asked, smiling more. "Because you can't stop staring at my mouth."

She didn't even give Xan a chance to answer before she was kissing her right there in front of everyone. She tasted like cigarettes and beer, but Xan didn't care. Whoops and hollers went up from the crowd, and Xan blushed. She wasn't used to being the center of attention, not since the time she'd gone to class in her underwear.

"Want to go somewhere more private?" Spike suggested. She had her hand cupped on Xan's face and her thumb was brushing over Xan's pinkened cheek. At least Xan _hoped_ it was just pink, and not a splotchy, embarrassed red.

"More private would be good," Xan managed to say. She felt like the entire Bronze was watching her now. The rumors would be flying at school the next day.

Spike leaned over and put her cigarette out in her beer. That reminded Xan...

"How old are you?" she asked.

Spike just smirked. "Old enough. Older than you. Not too old to have a little fun now and then, though."

"You in school?" Xan asked. Spike was running her fingertips lightly over her neck. Xan shivered.

"Not right now," Spike said. "School of Life and all that."

Xan nodded in what she hoped was a knowledgeable way. "...Where are we going?"

Spike had her hand at the base of Xan's spine now, guiding her out the door and into the night. "Someplace quiet."

"Alone?" Xan asked. "It's- It can be dangerous around here at night, maybe we should-"

"Afraid of the Big Bad, love?" Spike asked, teasing her. "I'll protect you from any monsters in the dark."

Xan didn't know how to explain that there really _were_ monsters in Sunnydale. "Have you lived here long?"

"Just got into town recently," Spike said. She was leading Xan closer to an abandoned building.

"Family here?"

"None I care to talk to," Spike said with an edge to her voice.

Xan thought she understood. "Yeah, I've got family like that, too. Sad thing about it is that I live with them," she joked.

Spike opened a side door to the building and held the door for Xan. Xan walked in slowly, not being able to see. It was darker than night inside, but Spike led her around like she could see perfectly well.

"Are you staying here?" Xan asked nervously. Had Spike just brought her home with her? Didn't that mean... well, sexy things.

"Got a nice little corner over there," Spike answered, leading Xan on further.

Xan still couldn't see anything except outlines here and there. Moonlight filtered through the high windows, but it wasn't enough to really see by. She was surprised when Spike lit candles and illuminated her 'corner'.

There were crates piled high with books and candles, and in the center was a bed. Mattress, really, although it was covered with several soft-looking blankets.

"I've never-" Xan started to say, not knowing how exactly to say 'I'm a virgin'.

"We don't have to do anything you don't want," Spike said. Her voice was soft.

"I want," Xan said. "I'm just not used to-"

"I know," Spike said, and kissed her. She kissed her lips, she kissed her jaw, then down and down her neck. Not lightly, but almost devouring, wet and cool and amazing. Xan's breathing picked up and she wrapped her arms around Spike's neck.

"Lay down with me," Spike said, and guided Xan down onto the bed. She took the barrette out of Xan's hair carefully. "You're so beautiful."

"I um, I hear candlelight does that. If you ever saw me in direct light..."

Xan was blushing hard. She really was grateful for the lack of light. And if it made her 'beautiful', it was even better.

Spike backed off and pulled her shirt off over her head. Even though the flimsy tee-shirt and lack of bra had left nearly nothing to the imagination, Xan still caught her breath. Spike was _gorgeous_. Her jeans were slung low on her hips to show off her amazing abs, and her _ breasts_! Small and perky, nipples already hard...

"You can touch if you want," Spike said knowingly.

"I want," Xan nearly squeaked. Her hands felt clumsy and too big all of a sudden as they grazed the side of Spike's left breast. But Spike closed her eyes and let out a small sigh, moving closer.

Spike's nipple was taut under the palm of Xan's hand. Xan bit her lip and brought her other hand up, thumbing over the nipples like she liked to do to herself. Spike moaned and Xan caught her breath at the sound.

"You too," Spike said, sounding breathless, as she pushed at Xan's blouse. Xan lifted her arms and let Spike take it off. She was glad for the pretty bra when Spike's eyes looked at it appreciatively, brushing her fingertips across the top of it, where Xan's skin met satin.

Xan felt bolder at the look, and she smiled. "Like what you see?"

"Take it off," Spike said, her voice low and husky.

It was easy enough to do, just reach around and unclasp the hooks, but Xan's fingers fumbled a little and it was a struggle. Finally, finally it came off and she slid the straps down her arms to bare herself.

Spike looked like she was going to say something, but instead she bowed her head and took one of Xan's nipples into her mouth, sucking hard. Xan gripped Spike's hair and moaned, arching her back.

"So fucking beautiful," Spike said, then moved over to the other nipple and sucked it just as hard. Xan couldn't say a word if she'd tried. She felt her clit throb, like a pinch, and she squeezed her thighs together.

Spike touched her like she actually believed in this 'beautiful' nonsense. Her hands were all over Xan, her hands and her _mouth_, flicking and tugging and sucking hard. Xan could only rock up into the touches, moaning and feeling out of control.

"I want to taste you," Spike murmured, her lips trailing down Xan's stomach and her fingers going to work on Xan's fly.

"Oh god," Xan gasped, lifting her hips so Spike could slide her jeans down. Why, why, _why_ had she picked the tight jeans? It took a little bit of working to get them down. Spike didn't seem to mind, though, as she tugged Xan's shoes off and got the jeans over Xan's feet.

Xan had worn plain white panties, nothing fancy, just cotton with a satin bow at the top. She'd thought about the bra but she hadn't thought – hadn't thought to think! – of panties. She should have gone with something sexier, something lacy and revealing. But Spike didn't seem to care about her underwear choice, didn't even seem to notice they were there because she was kissing her right through the cotton, right over her clit.

"You're soaked through, love," Spike said. Okay, maybe she had noticed them. Her tongue traced over the cotton and it was like there was no fabric there at all; Xan could feel it completely.

Xan whimpered. "Please," she said, spreading her legs shamelessly.

Spike laughed, soft but not mocking, and pulled Xan's panties off. Xan didn't see where they landed, she was too busy widening her eyes in amazement as Spike went down on her. She felt Spike's tongue between her folds, she felt it flick over her clit, she felt the kisses Spike pressed against her. Everything, it was _everything_.

"Taste so good," Spike said, lips moving against Xan's clit. Xan whimpered; she was out of her body and everywhere in it. Spike's mouth felt _amazing_. Wet and cool, Spike's tongue moved over her methodically. Xan squirmed and lifted her hips, and Spike guided her legs over her shoulders. Xan's heels dug into Spike's back and she rocked up against Spike's mouth.

Xan had never been eaten out. She'd heard whispers in the girl's room, but they always stopped before she learned anything of value. But this. This was beyond anything she'd ever dreamed.

"I think you want more," Spike said. She stroked the insides of Xan's thighs, up and up until her fingers were rubbing between Xan's legs. It was almost too much stimulation, but not nearly enough.

"More," Xan echoed. "_Please_."

"I think I like making you beg," Spike said smugly, but Xan didn't care. Spike could be as smug as she wanted, as long as she didn't _stop_.

Moving one hand up to grip Xan's hip, Spike teased her pussy with her fingertips, slowly pushing one finger inside her while she lapped at Xan's clit. Xan gasped at the sensation and pushed against the finger, taking it deeper. Spike was laughing almost musically, and the vibration sounded against her clit and pushed her closer to the edge.

"Fuck me," Xan said boldly, and Spike complied, adding another finger and fucking them in and out of Xan's pussy while she sucked at her clit. It was too much for her to handle, and she came suddenly, clutching Spike's short hair.

"Oooh," was all that Xan could say. She felt like giggling as Spike removed her fingers and cuddled down beside her. Maybe she did giggle, because Spike was laughing as well, running a hand over Xan's overly sensitized skin.

"You're even more beautiful when you come," Spike said, pressing closer.

"I want you to feel this good," Xan said, touching her shyly. Spike still had her jeans on, but Xan could pinch her nipples and make her arch into the touch.

"I will," Spike said, unbuttoning her fly. She wasn't wearing anything under her jeans, and Xan saw light brown curls – much darker than Spike's bleach blonde hair.

"I don't know what I'm doing," Xan blurted as Spike slid out of her pants. Spike was thin and gorgeous, everything Xan wasn't.

"Just follow my lead," Spike said, and rolled so that Xan was on top of her, looking down into her blue, kohl-rimmed eyes. "You can start by kissing me."

"That I can do," Xan answered, leaning down and brushing her lips against Spike's. Spike opened her mouth immediately, letting Xan's tongue explore. Spike kissed back, hard and deep.

"Give me your hand," Spike whispered, and Xan felt her spread her legs.

Spike's folds were slick. It took a couple of passes to find her clit, but Spike didn't seem to notice the fumbling. She rocked against Xan's hand. It was the hottest thing Xan had ever seen or felt.

"I'm so close," Spike breathed. "Harder. Make me feel it."

Xan rubbed harder, her fingertips making tight circles against Spike's clit. Spike cried out and rocked faster, and Xan kissed her, deep and a bit sloppy. Spike's body was taut as she neared her orgasm.

"Make me come for you," Spike said roughly, and Xan kissed the words away from her lips. Spike's whole body tensed as she came.

Xan rubbed her through it, slowly and deliberately, until Spike opened her eyes and looked up into Xan's.

"You're perfect," Xan blurted. Her stomach was doing weird, ridiculous things and she felt hot all over.

Spike just grinned and pulled Xan down for another kiss, hard and fast. "Glad you think so, pet." She shifted and rolled over onto her side, pulling Xan's head down to rest beside her own.

"Next time I'll go down on you," Xan said, soft and shy. She was already looking forward to it, even though she'd never done it before and she probably wouldn't know what she was doing. "I want that."

"Next time?" Spike said. Her eyes weren't on Xan's face, rather they were looking somewhere in the direction of her neck. Xan got a funny feeling.

"There is going to be a next time, right?" Xan asked. "You're not, um, wham bam thanking me ma'am, right?" She was saying 'right' too much.

Spike leaned in closer and kissed Xan's neck at the pulse point. Her lips lingered there, and Spike sighed heavily before pulling back.

"Of course there'll be a next time."

*

**October 3**

"You aren't with me, Spike," Dru said, raking her fingernails across Spike's neck. Spike shivered; she always loved it when Dru used her nails.

"Of course I am," Spike said, pulling her thoughts out of the sky. "I'm always with you."

"You're with her," Dru said plainly. "Our new kitten."

"I was thinking. I want you to meet her."

"I've seen her in the stars," Dru said. "And in your eyes."

"You're not jealous, are you, love?" Spike asked.

Dru cocked her head and then smiled. "I was so jealous when baby Anne was born," she said. "She got all of Mummy's attention. But she was new, and fragile, and needed Mummy more than I did. And Mummy still sang to me, and loved me wholly."

Spike bit her lip. She wasn't used to hearing Dru talk about the time before she was turned, before Angelus bent her mind.

"I know I'll always be your princess," Dru continued. "I gave you everything."

"And I'll never forget it, pet," Spike said, kissing Dru's palms.

"Will you bring me a toy?" Dru asked, changing subjects like she often did.

"If that's what you want. Boy or girl?"

"Mmm. My tummy's rumbling for an altar boy," Dru said dreamily.

Great, she was sending her into a church. It could be fun, though, if she could avoid the crosses and holy water. She always liked riling up religious people and making them pray for their lives. She especially liked when they finally realized their god wasn't going to save them.

While the other members of the Order or Aurelius were fasting, Spike had decided that just wasn't for her. Yes, the rituals would bring on a bloodlust and certain strength, but Spike didn't like feeling that out of control. And Dru was just too weak to fast. Spike worried about her endlessly.

So off she went to find a nice, quaint church filled with cherubic altar boys. She'd meet up with Xan after Dru fed.

*

Buffy had been worried, and that worry had spilled onto Xan. The Feast of St. Vigeous sounded nasty, and with the Order of Aurelius growing stronger, Xan was scared.

But that wasn't until the next night, and Xan wanted to see Spike. They hadn't exactly said they'd meet up at the Bronze, but there was a chance. So Xan sat at a table nursing a warm soda and listened to the band halfheartedly, waiting for Spike to appear.

Buffy and Willow were still at the library. Xan had bowed out earlier with an excuse about her mother – Willow had seen right through Xan but Buffy had bought it. Giles had waved her away with good wishes, his nose stuck in a book.

Xan waited for the better part of two hours before Spike sauntered in. Xan saw her immediately; even when Spike was lurking in the shadows, she stood out.

Their eyes met from across the mostly crowded room and Xan felt a frisson of energy run through her. As Spike came closer, she found herself staring at her mouth. That mouth had been where no mouth had gone before, the final frontier, and it made Xan feel wobbly just looking at it.

Spike licked her lips when she was close enough to speak, like she was thinking about the same thing, and said, "Hello, gorgeous."

Xan could feel the heat creep into her cheeks. "Hi."

Leaning forward, Spike brushed her lips across Xan's, light and sweet. It made Xan dizzy and she swayed forward in her seat.

"Miss me?" Spike asked, bringing her hands up to rest on Xan's shoulders.

"Yeah," Xan breathed. Then steadier, "I wasn't sure if you'd show tonight."

"I'd tell you if I couldn't make it," Spike said. "Wouldn't want someone else to snatch you up when I wasn't looking."

Xan snorted. Like _that_ would happen. "I'll be busy tomorrow night," she said instead of the self-deprecating words that wanted to come out. "But if I'm still-" Around? Alive?

"If you're still what, love?" Spike asked.

She thought quickly. "I meant if _you're_ still interested, I'll be here night after next."

"I don't lose interest all that easy," Spike whispered against Xan's lips.

Xan swallowed hard. "Good, then," she said softly. "That's good, because I really don't want you to lose interest at all."

"I'm falling for you, Xan," Spike said seriously. "I don't fall often, but when I do it's hard."

It sounded a lot like Spike was saying she was in love with her. Which was ridiculous, of course, since they barely knew each other. Still, it made Xan feel warm inside that her own secret feelings were reflected in Spike.

"Wow," Xan whispered, and let Spike kiss her harder, lips pressed to hers. Then their mouths were opening and their tongues slicked against each other. Xan let out a moan that was loud even over the music.

Spike buried her hands in Xan's hair and kissed her deeper, then pulled away and sucked the taste from her lips. "Want to get out of here?"

There was a tug deep inside her that screamed _Yes!_ and Xan was nodding before Spike had even finished the question.

A hand at her back guided Xan out of the Bronze and down the street. Xan had stopped thinking of any night as 'a nice night' ever since she'd discovered vampires were real and the creepy monsters really did come out to play in the dark. But now, the moonlight seemed innocuous and actually pretty, and she breathed in the scent of the darkness and wasn't afraid.

Spike led her back to the same warehouse.

"It's not too safe living here," Xan said, looking around. She thought it would make a good lair for a vampire.

"I have my own place not far from here. I've got roommates, though," Spike explained. "This is just for us."

The bed was made and the candles were already burning. "You've never brought anyone else here?" asked Xan.

"Just you, pet."

Xan let out a sigh of relief. She didn't like to think of Spike with anyone else.

Spike's fingertips played over Xan's neck, moving slightly under the edge of her blouse. "Take it off for me," Spike said softly.

Xan's fingers trembled at the buttons, moving over them clumsily. Spike watched every movement. As Xan slid the fabric off her shoulders, Spike inhaled quickly. She was eager, as eager as Xan was.

Xan only owned one pretty bra, but she was wearing it again. Spike had seemed to like it before, after all.

"You're so beautiful, love," Spike said. She ran her hands up and down Xan's arms slowly, eyes somewhere near the curve of her neck.

Xan shivered. It was cool in the warehouse, and she could feel her nipples form stiff peaks under the satin of her bra. Spike noticed too, and thumbed them through the fabric. Xan moaned and tipped her head back. Spike bent her head and kissed her throat, gentle touches of cool lips to hot skin.

The straps of Xan's bra came down next as Spike revealed her breasts reverently. Xan knew she had a nice rack, but she'd never thought of herself as beautiful before. Not before Spike.

Xan reached behind her and unhooked her bra, letting it slide to the floor. Spike made an appreciative sound and kissed lower, to the top swell of Xan's breasts.

"You're so special to me, love," Spike said. "You have no idea."

The words made Xan flush all over. Part of her didn't believe it, but Spike sounded so _sincere_.

"Your shirt," Xan said, tugging it up Spike's body, baring her breasts. Spike held her arms up and Xan tugged the shirt off over her head. Again, the sight of Spike stole her breath. "God."

"Goddess," Spike corrected, smirking slightly.

"Yeah, you are," Xan said. "Like a statue come to life." It was very nearly true. Spike's skin was pale and smooth, and her abs were like something out of art.

Their arms wrapped around each other and they pressed close, Spike pushing Xan's hair back from her face and leaning up to kiss her, deep and searching. Xan moaned and pulled Spike down with her to the bed.

They lay there for long moments, just kissing and touching each other's skin. Xan didn't want it to end, ever. Every caress was electrifying and full of a clarity she had never known. She knew, running the pads of her fingers over Spike's cheekbone, that she was falling in love.

The mood shifted after that revelation. Xan pulled back a little and stared at Spike's face, into her bright blue eyes.

"What is it, pet?" Spike asked, running her hand up Xan's arm.

Xan shook her head, feeling shell-shocked. She barely knew Spike; how could she love her? It had only been three days. But then again, they'd gotten fairly serious fairly quickly. She'd lost her virginity after the second time they'd met – that was the definition of serious, she thought.

Spike looked worried. "Something wrong?"

"No, no," Xan said, ignoring her thoughts as she pushed at Spike's pants. "I just want you."

Spike looked like she was going to say something more, but then she grinned and sat up to unlace her boots. Xan admired the lines of her back, the way her spine curved forward and the slight muscles that stood out in the candlelight. Spike was buff. She had amazing triceps and biceps, which Xan reached out to touch and curl her hand around.

Finally out of her boots, Spike lay back and unzipped her fly, pushing her jeans down her legs. Once again, she wasn't wearing any underwear.

Xan quickly kicked her shoes off and skimmed out of her jeans and panties. Then they were naked together again, pressed against each other, with nothing left between them. Xan bit her lip and forced herself to breathe in and out.

"Okay?" Spike asked, kissing her shoulder.

"I'm good," Xan answered, hearing the blood pound in her ears. "I just. This feels so good. And... I want to taste you."

Spike grinned and rolled over onto her back. She brought her knees up, her feet flat on the bed, and spread her legs shamelessly. "Go ahead, love."

How could she have thought it was cool in the warehouse? Xan was hot all over. She moved tentatively between Spike's legs and kissed the inside of one toned thigh. She let her lips linger, then drag up slowly until her mouth was one breath away from Spike's pussy.

She flicked her tongue experimentally for the first taste. Then again, because the first time had not been enough. Spike was tangy and sweet like pineapple. Cautiously, Xan dragged her tongue up through Spike's wetness, where it slid between her folds.

Spike moaned and spread her legs further. "You're so sweet, pet. Don't stop. Feels so good."

Feeling bolder, Xan licked her way up to Spike's clit, pressing her tongue against it and reveling in the louder moan that came out of Spike's mouth.

"Do you want my fingers, too?" Xan asked softly, a little shy as she ran her hands up the insides of Spike's thighs.

Spike shifted restlessly and made a low noise. "Please."

Her desire was enough to make Xan lose her shyness. She licked her fingers and pushed one in slowly, too slow if Spike's impatient whine was any indication. She bowed her head again and flicked her tongue against Spike's clit.

"Oh, love..." Spike said softly, breath hitching.

Xan added another finger and then crooked them against Spike's g-spot. Spike arched off the bed.

Never had Xan felt more alive. In the back of her head she was wondering if she'd still be there after St. Vigeous Night, after the battle that was sure to come. But for now she was living, and the moments that passed by with Spike were vibrant and clear.

She licked more vigorously and pumped her fingers in and out of Spike's wet pussy. Spike was moaning nonstop now, high and low in turns, voice rising and falling with the rhythm of Xan's thrusts.

"I'm going to come for you," Spike said, just seconds before she tensed and clenched around Xan's fingers, crying out.

Her eyes were closed and she was panting as she came down. Xan smoothed a hand down her side, watching her. She was beautiful when she came, and Xan had noticed that her accent had gotten softer the closer she was. Maybe she'd ask about it sometime, but now was not the time. Now was the time for cuddling Spike close to her, running her hands over her skin and kissing her forehead.

"And that was your first time?" Spike said, accent becoming harsher as she came back to herself. Her words were still quiet, though. "That was amazing, love."

Xan licked her bottom lip and smiled. "Really?" she said, and felt like she was fishing for compliments, since Spike had already said it was _amazing_. Spike didn't seem to mind that Xan needed extra reassurance, though.

"Your mouth is extraordinary," Spike said, burying her face in Xan's hair. "And your hands... love, it was incredible."

Xan smiled wider, feeling smug.

"Proud of yourself?" Spike asked.

"Yes, actually," Xan answered. She ran her fingers through Spike's short hair, mussing the gel and watching it curl.

Spike rolled suddenly, pinning Xan to the bed. "Your turn," she said with an impish smile.

It was just as wonderful the second time around. Spike used her mouth and her fingers on Xan, starting at her breasts, pinching her nipples, and moving down between her legs. She paid special attention to Xan's clit, sucking and flicking it with her tongue, and Xan was rocking into Spike's face mindlessly before it was over.

Afterward, they made out and touched gently, their legs intertwined and their arms wrapped tight around each other. They spent hours together.

_I love you_, Xan wanted to say. But it was too early, everything was going so _fast_, and she was aware that her hormones had at least a small part to do with her feelings. She groaned when she looked at her watch.

"I have to get home," she said. She needed her sleep for the upcoming battle. Rested and well fed, Giles had said.

"Parents?" Spike asked. She sat up and watched Xan wriggle into her bra, making the moment feel more intimate.

"No, I just have things to do tomorrow, and I need my sleep," Xan answered. "My parents don't care."

Spike's eyes narrowed shrewdly, making Xan feel defensive.

"They don't care?"

Xan shrugged, then found some words spilling out. "Dad's a drunk and Mom's just his emotional punching bag. They don't really pay attention to me."

Something like a growl sounded in the air, and Spike helped Xan into her blouse. It was nice, having someone do things for her. Dressing her, it was special. Intimate. And in the wake of Xan's confession, it was an even more precious gesture.

"You deserve so much more, love," Spike said. She sounded sad and angry at the same time.

Xan finished dressing silently. She'd already said too much.

*

"I want to kill her bloody parents," Spike snarled. The chanting went on in the background, like a particularly annoying bird.

"The Slayer first," Dru said. Then with a change of tone, "I'm so sad I'm going to miss the party."

"You're still too weak, love," Spike said. "Did you eat?"

"Altar boys are delicious, but not filling," Dru said.

"Want me to order a pizza girl?" Spike asked.

"Too greasy," Dru answered. "They make my tummy feel funny."

"Feed from me, love," Spike said, tilting her head. "I know it's just dead blood, but it's powerful."

"Powerful, beautiful Spike," Dru said, swaying closer. "Delicious girl."

She bit down and Spike gasped aloud, the pain magnificent. Dru sucked and bit down harder, and Spike pulled her closer. Dru's hand was in Spike's hair, tugging firmly and holding her in place. Finally, Dru pulled back. Spike swayed on her feet.

"Not so strong now," Dru laughed.

"I'll eat," Spike said. "There's still a few hours until dawn."

"Have I told you lately what a good, wonderful girl you are?" Dru asked. She tugged harder at Spike's hair. "I'm proud of you."

Spike smiled. "And I'm proud to be your childe. I couldn't ask for a better sire." She mentally tapped down on the thought of Angel that threatened to rise. She missed him, though she'd never say so.

"You're thinking sad thoughts again, Spike," Dru said, pushing her away. "I can hear them wriggling in your brain like maggots."

Spike pulled a face. She really hated crawly things and any mention of them.

Dru laughed at her expression and made shooing motions. "Go eat. Tomorrow night you must be strong."

"I'll bring you the Slayer," Spike said. "Her blood will heal you."

"And together we'll start a new family," Dru said distantly.

"You're not thinking of your vision again, are you?" _The one where you die_, Spike thought.

Dru curled in on herself, bending at the waist, her hair spilling down to touch the floor. "All dead, like poor Mummy."

Spike wrapped her arms around Dru and picked her up. It was a little more difficult while dealing with the blood loss, but she managed. She carried Dru over to the bed and laid her down. "I won't let you die," Spike said vehemently. "You promised me eternity with you, didn't you?"

"Forever is composed of nows," Dru quoted by rote. "We've had wonderful nows, haven't we, Spike?"

Spike swallowed against the lump in her throat. "We have. But they don't have to end, love."

"I can't see. I can't see," Dru repeated. "The stars are blinding me."

Spike just held her closer and hummed softly.

*

**October 4**

"This St. Vigeous was a character," Xan said. She turned the page in her book and stared at the lithograph of carnage. "Definitely a bad dude."

"That's enough research," Giles said, taking off his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Never thought I'd hear _those_ words come out of _that_ mouth," Willow said in a low voice. "It gives me the wiggins."

Buffy stood and picked up her crossbow, checking the trigger mechanism. Xan set her jaw.

"I suppose I should say something," Giles said. "A speech or... or something."

"No need," Buffy said.

"I meant for the others," Giles said, nodding at Willow and Xan.

"What is there to say?" Xan stood and shoved stakes into her bag. "We're probably all going to die a gruesome death." _At least I'm not dying a virgin._ "But hey! We're going out in a blaze of glory."

Willow eyed the Molotov cocktails they'd put together and nodded firmly. "If we're going out, at least we'll take a bunch of them with us."

"Stop talking about dying," Buffy said. "We're going to beat this night. We're going to fight, and we're going to win."

"Yes, yes," Giles said. It was obvious he wasn't really agreeing.

Xan took a deep breath and then said, "We going now?"

"We're waiting for Angel," Buffy said. "He said he had a surprise for us. Would it be too much to hope he means an army?"

"I think we _are_ the army," Willow said. She got up from the library table and suddenly wrapped her arms around Xan and Buffy, hugging them tightly.

Xan tried not to let the fear take hold. They'd gone up against the Master, they could handle a little massacre action. Oh, who was she kidding? They were going to die. Horribly.

Angel finally showed. He had in his arms what Xan immediately recognized as a flamethrower. That would help, but would it be enough? Xan was glad Angel was on their side, though. He had his demon face on, ready to protect their little group. He looked frightening.

"I didn't meet any vampires on the way here," Angel said. "The town is quiet."

"Perhaps they have a particular target in mind," Giles said.

"Or maybe they decided to stay in and celebrate at home?" Willow said hopefully.

"I thought I was the target," Buffy said.

"They must be planning something," Giles said.

"But what?" Willow said.

"Try to think like vicious blood-sucking killers for a second," Xan said. She looked at Angel. "What would you do?"

"Force a showdown," Angel said immediately.

"But where?" Buffy asked. "The Bronze?"

"Too easy," Angel replied. "If it were me... I'd go to the mall."

Buffy blanched. So did Xander; she could feel the blood leech out of her face.

"Car. Now," Giles said.

"I can get there faster on foot," Angel said, and hefted the flamethrower. "I'll meet you at the west entrance."

"Right then, let's go," Buffy said, and the rest followed.

*

Spike was having _fun_. She had glutted on blood and now she was feeling powerful. The other vamps were in a berserker state, killing everything in sight. The mall was not a battleground, but the site of a massacre. Soon something worth fighting would come, though. The Slayer was on her way. Spike could almost taste her blood.

But no, the Slayer's blood was for Drusilla. Spike would be the one to kill her, yes, and take over the role of the Master of Aurelius, but her blood would restore Dru. At least that was what she hoped.

And after Dru was restored, they would turn Xan together. They would become a happy family of three, and all would be well. With the Slayer out of the way, they would rule the hellmouth for eternity.

Spike wasn't expecting Angel. She'd heard rumors that Angel was in town, of course, but so far she hadn't seen him. Now she did.

Angel came in swinging. Spike would have recognized his style of fighting anywhere. He was fighting hard, but he was no match for three berserk vampires, Spike thought. He went down once, twice, and then came back up again and fried them to a crisp with the weapon he held.

A flamethrower. Ingenious.

Spike scented the air from her vantage point. A Slayer was coming. Even over the wicked stench of freshly spilled blood, Spike could still smell her. All her senses tingled and she rolled her shoulders.

Angel was working with the Slayer. That was unfortunate.

But that wasn't all. Coming up behind the Slayer – and she was the Slayer, just looking at her fight told Spike this – was an older man, Willow, and … Xan. Spike felt all the unneeded breath leave her body. She didn't have time to question Xan's presence; all she could think was _Xan's going to die._

It would take little to pull Xan away. In all the chaos, the others weren't paying attention to her. Everyone was focused on the fight at hand.

The Slayer was getting closer. "Wilhelmina the Bloody!" she called out. Called _Spike_ out.

Spike froze. She had a decision to make. Take the Slayer down now, or go rescue Xan from the mob of bloodthirsty vampires.

She'd fought off one mob to save Dru, and she'd do it again to save Xan. The vampires were too far gone in their bloody madness to take orders at this point, so she couldn't do it that way.

"Wilhelmina the Bloody!" the Slayer called out again. "Show yourself and fight!"

It was too great to resist, and Spike had waited long enough. She jumped down and landed in front of the Slayer, baring her fangs. "It's Spike now," she said.

Angel at her left sucked in a breath audibly. Silly thing to do, breathe when you didn't need to, but Spike was guilty of the same thing. She really couldn't fault him for that. She turned to him. She _could_ fault him for leaving.

"Angel," she said. "It's been awhile."

"You know this bitch?" the Slayer asked.

Xan was far behind them, fighting off the mob. She wouldn't hear or see anything.

"We're family," Spike spat, feeling the old rejection rise up. "Or at least we were."

"I heard Dru died in Prague," Angel said, pointing the flamethrower in Spike's direction. "I'm sorry."

"You're _sorry_." Spike shook her head and grabbed the flamethrower from Angel's hands, breaking it into pieces. "I guess you didn't hear she survived."

Angel's head snapped back in surprise. He made no move to attack. The Slayer on the other hand was drawing her stake back in a threatening maneuver.

"So you're Spike," the Slayer said angrily. "Would that be the same Spike that got kissy with my friend?"

Spike ignored her and talked to Angel. "You were my _sire_." Grandsire, really, but Angel had always felt closer than that. "I was proud to be part of your blood. And now you've taken up with a Slayer?"

"What can I say, Spike. Things change."

"Not us. Not _demons_," Spike said. She set her jaw. "But I guess you have, if you don't want to be with Dru and me."

"Angel, get out of my way," the Slayer said. "I've got a vampire to slay."

Spike kicked her in the solar plexus and watched her sail over the railing into a broken heap in the fountain.

"Buffy!" Angel cried, leaning over and watching her fall.

"She's tough, isn't she?" Spike said. "She'll survive that at least. You and me have more talking to do."

Spike wanted to share how she'd felt it when Darla died, how much it must have hurt Angel, but she bit her lip against the words. Angel was still blood, but he wasn't the same.

"Spike," Angel said, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Get out of town. Just go, take Dru, and forget you were ever even here."

"No can do," Spike said. She didn't want to admit, even to herself, how good it felt to have Angel's hands on her again.

"Buffy!" came a familiar cry. It was Xan, and she was racing through the crowd towards the Slayer's broken body. The Slayer moaned as an answer.

"Xan," Spike breathed, pulling away from Angel.

"You can't..." Angel said. "_You're_ the new girlfriend?"

"Catch up already, will you?" Spike replied, annoyed at the incredulous tone in Angel's voice.

"She's going to get herself killed," Spike murmured. She jumped down and fought off a vampire that tried to attack Xan from behind.

Xan turned suddenly at the noise, gape-mouthed.

"Miss me, love?" Spike said, and dusted another one of her minions who dared to come close.

"Spike?" Xan said. "You're a..."

"Vampire, pet," Spike finished for her.

"Oh God," Xan breathed. She looked like she was going to faint.

"Let's get you out of here before you wind up dead," Spike said, but Xan resisted.

"I'm not going anywhere with you! You... you undead _fiend_!"

Spike let the demon slip off her face and looked at Xan steadily. "It's not safe for you here."

"Buffy..." Xan said suddenly, kneeling down beside the fallen Slayer. Angel was already there, supporting Buffy's head in his lap.

"You're friends with the bloody Slayer?" Spike asked. Things just got a hell of a lot more complicated.

Xan looked up and scowled. "She's one of my best friends."

"Bloody hell," Spike said. Another vampire made her way towards them and Spike threw her over her head and into the fountain.

"What side of this are you on, Spike?" Xan asked, sounding a little hopeful and a lot scared.

Spike sighed. "I'm on my side, and your side."

Angel looked up into Spike's face, eyes red but steady. "Is that so?"

"What does that even _mean_?" Xan asked. "If you're on my side, you have to be on Buffy's side."

"If I kill the Slayer, my place in the world is set. No more grovelling to my elders," Spike said, eyes boring into Angel's. Angel seemed to understand. There had definitely been grovelling in their shared past.

"You're not killing Buffy," Xan said. "Even if that means I have to stake you myself."

Love warred with pride and the need to prove herself. As it always was, though, Spike came down on the side of love.

"I won't kill her tonight," Spike said. "I can promise that much."

Xan's mouth twisted in a parody of a smile. "I guess that's something."

Angel was still staring at Spike.

"Let's get the bloody Slayer out of here," Spike said, exasperated.

"What about all these people?" Willow said. She startled Spike; she hadn't known Willow was listening.

"Not a whole lot of people left," Spike said, surveying the carnage. "Best to just head out."

"And leave all the vampires here?" Willow asked timidly. "That doesn't seem right."

"Going to fight them all on your lonesome?" Spike mocked. "You'll get your pretty little neck ripped open."

"Spike has a point," Angel said slowly, like the words pained him.

"At least someone sees it," Spike said. She flashed a grin at Angel before she remembered to hate him.

"Where's Giles?" Willow asked.

Buffy let out a moan and opened her eyes. Angel brushed hair away from her face tenderly.

"I'll find him," Spike volunteered. Anything to get away from that touching display.

"I'll come with," Xan said, brandishing her stake. Spike wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be all right.

They started where Xan had seen Giles last, and followed the trail of dust from there. Spike took care of every vamp that tried to get to Xan, earning a thoughtful look.

"Do you have a curse?" Xan asked.

"What?"

"A gypsy curse. Like Angel. Do you have a soul?"

Spike threw her head back and laughed.

"Guessing that's a no," Xan grumbled. "How is it that you saved me, then? What's in it for you?"

"Now's not the time to talk about this," Spike said. She wanted to get Xan alone for the conversation they had to have.

"Quit treating me like a kid," Xan said. "You never have before."

"I'm just saying I want to do this right," Spike said. "And now's not the time to do it right. We have to find your Giles."

"He's not _my_ Giles. He's Buffy's Watcher," Xan explained.

Watcher, right. Spike remembered those. He wasn't used to finding them out on the battlefield, though.

When they found him, the store was burning all around, and Giles was down on the floor, coughing weakly.

Spike wrapped an arm around Giles' waist and hefted him to his feet. Xan took his other side, letting him lean on her. He appeared to be out of it, not knowing where he was or who he was with. Spike smelled blood, and saw that the man had a head injury. Probably a concussion.

From the care Xan gave the man, Spike could tell he meant a lot to her. Dammit, another human to get in the way.

Once they got Giles and Buffy out to the car, the others turned to Spike.

Angel didn't seem to know what to say. Willow said, "Thanks, Spike," but the look Xan gave her was indecipherable.

"Be seeing you," Spike said to Xan hopefully. She got a snort in response.

*

After taking Buffy to the hospital, the ride home was quiet. Willow started to say something once or twice – Xan could tell by the way her mouth opened and closed – but she seemed to be having difficulty getting the words out.

"Just say it," Xan said finally. "I fucked up."

"Language!" Willow said automatically. Then, "Maybe a little. But you didn't know. I mean, you didn't know, right?"

"Don't you think I would have told you if I knew?" Xan said. "And I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have gotten _involved_ with her if I knew."

"How could you not know?" Giles said. "Vampires have very distinctive features."

"So she was a little cool to the touch," Xan said defensively. "I just thought she was cold all the time!"

"And she never went 'Grrrr'?" Willow asked. "No, um, hickeys?"

"Not even a little one," Xan said.

"I would like to say I'm disappointed in you, Alexandria-" Giles began.

"Yeah, well I'm disappointed in me, too," Xan said.

"...but I'm not," he finished. "I do understand what it's like to be sixteen and head over heels for someone."

"You mean where you can't see what's right in front of your face?" Xan said miserably.

"Your hormones and emotions were running high-" Giles said, but Xan cut him off again.

"Please, I don't want to talk about hormones with you," Xan said. "Or sex. Or even vampires right now."

Willow grabbed Xan's hand and squeezed tightly. "Are you okay?"

Xan misinterpreted the question deliberately. "Just a few bruises, no worries."

"That's not what I-"

"Please, Willow," Xan said. "I can't talk about it right now."

Giles cleared his throat and looked at Xan in the rear view mirror. "Let's look on the bright side, shall we? We're all alive. I have a slight concussion, but I've grown rather used to the condition. Buffy's a little worse for wear, but she survived the night."

"Right," Willow said. "I was sure we were toast."

Xan leaned her head against the window and watched the streetlights fly by. She wished, for one long moment, than she _had_ died. Then at least she wouldn't have to feel the aching hole in her heart.

*

Dru didn't welcome Spike when she came in. She was at the table, cards spread out in front of her.

"The stars are clear again," she said.

Spike sighed leaned against the high back of one of the chairs. "I failed."

Dru clucked her tongue, overturning the last card. "The Slayer lives on. But so does our family."

"Yeah, about that..." Spike said. "I ran into Angel tonight."

"Angel," Dru said, sighing the name. "He's lost to us."

"He's lost to the Slayer," Spike said. "He's in love with her."

Dru swayed at the table and put her hands on the cards. "And our girl will be lost unless..."

"Xan?" Spike asked. "What did you see, love?"

"You have to bring her over," Dru said. She bit her lip, looking childish and lost.

"Turn her? Then I'll have the bloody Slayer on my case for good," Spike said.

"Slowly," Dru said. "Make her see."

Spike bowed her head and slipped a hand through her hair. "I don't know how."

"You'll find a way," Dru said dreamily. "You've always known how to touch a girl's heart."

*

**October 5-6**

On Sunday, Xan spent the day crying in her room. Buffy and Willow came over once to check on her, but Xan didn't want to see them. She didn't have it in her to joke about this, and that's what they would be expecting from her.

She wished so many things: that Spike was human, that she'd never fallen for her, or even that Spike was like Angel and had a soul.

She was glad she never voiced the words _I love you_. She knew now that the feelings were a lie. She didn't really know Spike, and Spike didn't know her.

So why did it feel like her heart had been ripped out?

Monday came. The rumors that Alexandria Harris was a lesbian had died down and now the talk was about the massacre at the mall over the weekend. The authorities had chalked it up to a dangerous cult, which wasn't actually far from the truth.

Xan found refuge in the library early on and stayed there. Ms. Calendar came by to see her, having heard the story from Giles. She told Xan that if she wanted to talk, she was there for her. Xan thanked her but shook her head. She could barely tolerate the thoughts in her own mind, the ones that said she loved a murderous vampire; she didn't want to voice them. Ms. Calendar said she understood and left Xan alone.

Giles offered her tea, his solution to a lot of the world's biggest problems. Xan declined, but she was grateful that he didn't try to get her to talk.

Willow, however, forced the conversation.

"She didn't bite you at all?" Willow asked, staring at Xan's neck like two giant holes would suddenly appear if she looked hard enough.

Buffy said nothing, just sneaked glances at Xan when she thought she wasn't looking.

"It's strange," Giles said. "But then, Spike has always been a different kind of vampire."

"Different how?" Xan asked hollowly.

Giles brought out a book and placed it in front of her. "I think it's best you read it for yourself."

That's how Xan found out about Dru, the love of Spike's unlife. How could Spike have called her love and touched her so intimately when she had Dru? Obviously the vampire had just been playing with her.

"But to what end? That's the real question," Giles interjected.

"Maybe she just _liked_ Xan," Willow said. "Can't vampires do that?"

As hard as Xan tried, she couldn't figure Spike out. She'd had plenty of opportunities to kill her, or at least snack a little, but she hadn't.

"Perhaps Angel can shed some light on her actions," Giles said. "I'll ask him the next time I see him."

Oh, right. Angel and Spike and Dru had been together for a long time. Was that a twist of jealousy Xan felt?

"I'm going," Xan said.

"You're going to Chemistry?" Willow asked. "I'd have thought you'd want to stay here awhile. But if you want, I can walk you..."

Xan appreciated Willow, she really did. She just didn't need any company for this.

"No, I'm fine," Xan said and shrugged her off. She was going somewhere else.

*

Angel answered the door and let Xan right in.

"I'm not here to chit-chat," Xan said, throwing herself down on Angel's couch. "I want to know why Spike didn't kill me."

Angel didn't raise an eyebrow at the abrupt words. "Spike's always been different," he said.

"So I hear. We got- We got pretty close," Xan said. "She got me alone." _She got me naked_. "How is it that she didn't even try to take a bite out of me?"

"Spike has an obsessive personality," Angel said. "It's possible she likes you."

Xan cocked her head. "That doesn't sound so bad."

"It's dangerous," Angel said, cutting to the truth. "She's lethal, and her mood can change on a dime. She's not like me; there's no soul in her. She might believe she loves someone, but she's not capable."

Angel looked tired, as if he'd been up all day. Xan wondered if he really believed what he was saying. His words somehow lacked the conviction she was used to from him.

"What about Drusilla?" Xan asked. "Because from what I've read about them, she loves her a lot."

"It's obsession," Angel said. "With Spike it's all about obsession. And now I think she's obsessed with you."

"Why?" Xan asked, confused. "I don't understand."

Angel looked like the next few words were hurting him. "You're... pretty. And young. You have a nice smile."

Xan blushed and looked at her knees. "I have crooked lips and my ears are way too big. I'm not... not beautiful like Buffy."

"Hey." Angel knelt beside her. "You have your own appeal."

"Don't tell me that _you_..." Xan said.

"No!" Angel said quickly, backing away again. "I didn't say that, I'm just saying that someone else might find you... attractive."

It was a very uncomfortable conversation.

"So what should I look out for now?" Xan asked. "Is she still going to be after me?"

"She saved you from the vampires at the mall," Angel said. "She might be feeling possessive."

Xan shivered at the thought.

"Once Spike grabs on to something, she doesn't let go," Angel said. "You're going to be in danger."

For a moment, Xan thought that if she just kept acting like she had been, Spike might not be any trouble. But vampire, vampire. She had to remember that. Spike wasn't just any crazy obsessive, she was a crazy obsessive _vampire_...

"I know what you're thinking. And that kind of attention isn't so bad at first," Angel said. "But if she wants you, she'll turn you. And then I'll have to kill you."

"Like you killed Spike last night?" Xan scoffed. She tried not to think about being a soulless monster.

"She's dangerous," Angel reiterated. "Never forget that. Nothing will stop Spike from trying to get to you now. Not until she's dead."

_Vampire, vampire._

*

Spike followed Xan from Angel's house to her own. She ambushed her right outside the door, before Xan could walk in.

"What are you doing here?" Xan asked angrily.

"Miss me, love?" Spike asked with a smirk. She kept a tight hold on Xan's arm.

"No. Leave me alone," Xan answered, trying to pull away.

"I want you to hear me out," Spike said.

"I don't have to listen to _anything_," Xan said. "You're nothing to me."

Spike smiled and pulled Xan closer. "You know that's not true, pet."

"Don't kill me," Xan said as Spike leaned in.

"No intention," Spike said. She kissed Xan's cheek. "You're too pretty to die."

"Don't turn me, either," Xan said quietly.

"There's where we might have a problem, love," Spike said. Xan gasped and tried to pull away but Spike held her in place. "It's fun being a vampire. And me and Dru, we want you."

"I haven't even met Drusilla, how could she want me?"

"She knows I love you," Spike said.

Xan inhaled fast. "Love?" she choked.

Spike smiled and leaned in close, smelling Xan's hair. "Love," she repeated. "I've never loved someone like this before, not since Dru."

"Stop talking about her," Xan said, again trying to pull away.

"Jealous?" Spike sat on the porch step and pulled Xan into her lap.

"I don't care. Let me go! I'll scream, I swear I will."

"I could kill anyone who came trying to help," Spike pointed out, stroking Xan's hair.

Xan jerked. "Stop touching me."

"Is that what you really want?" Spike asked. Even with the fear emanating from Xan's blood, there was still the scent of longing. Spike knew Xan wanted her.

"Yes."

"Liar," Spike said, grinning. "You still want me. You want to be with me, even knowing what I am."

Xan inhaled sharply. "I don't."

"I can smell it on you, love," Spike whispered against Xan's ear.

Xan stopped trying to pull away and went still except for a slight tremor that went through her body. "Why are you doing this to me?" she whispered.

"I told you. We want you."

"And you love me, _right_," Xan said.

"I do. And Dru will love you, too," Spike said. "We'll be a family."

"I already have one of those," Xan said. But Spike knew what she thought of her 'family'.

"We'll be better," Spike promised. "You'll never lack for love or attention again."

Xan swallowed hard. "The demon. It kills you and leaves just... someone who looks like you. It's not real."

"Someone's lied to you, pet," Spike said. "Who was it? The Watcher?"

Xan shook her head like she couldn't fathom another answer. "That _thing_ takes over your body. You might sound like you and look like you, but it's not you. You're dead and gone."

"I might not be the same person I was before I was turned," Spike said slowly, "but I promise you, I'm still me. And you'll still be Xan."

Spike could feel Xan relaxing inch by inch. She probably didn't even realize it.

"I don't want it," Xan said.

"We don't have to talk about it now," Spike said.

"I don't want to talk about it _ever_," Xan countered.

"I love you," Spike said again, holding Xan close.

"You have no soul," Xan said. "You're evil."

"I can love," Spike said. "Is that evil?"

Xan shook her head. "Angel says-"

Spike laughed. "You can't believe anything _he_ says. Everything is caught up with self-loathing with him. He wants to believe he's a completely different person than he was before he had a soul. He wants to believe a soul means more than it does. It doesn't."

"A soul has to mean something," Xan said flatly.

"Let your conscience be your guide, that kind of something? It's freeing, to lose that part of you that cares what everyone thinks. You'll see."

"I don't want to see," Xan whispered. "I don't want to _die_."

Spike touched Xan's cheek but she flinched. "I want to be with you forever. You, me, and Dru."

"I read about your Dru," Xan said, clearly stalling for time. She obviously didn't want to face her own feelings. "She's crazy. Why would I want to be with that for the rest of an unnatural life?"

"Once you get to know her, you'll love her. She's like a vicious, beautiful child."

"And that's a good thing?" Xan asked. "No, I'm not interested. Please, just leave me alone."

"I can't," Spike said. "But for now, I'll leave you. I just want you to think about what I said."

Xan mumbled something, and Spike took it for a yes.

"Can I kiss you before I go?" Spike asked.

"My parents might see," Xan said weakly. It was a flimsy excuse, and one Spike could counter.

She got up and carried Xan over behind some bushes, then set her down on her feet. She wrapped her arms around Xan's waist. "Kiss me."

"I don't want to," Xan said, her voice filled with longing.

"Just let go for a minute, love," Spike said gently, and pressed her lips against Xan's.

Xan kissed back softly for a second, then pulled away. "You're still evil. You're still a vampire. We can't be together."

"I'll make you see," Spike said. It was like Dru had told her, the girl needed to be brought around slowly.

"There's nothing to see," Xan said and pulled away. This time, Spike let her go.

*

**October 7**

"Don't tell Buffy," Xan whispered. "She wouldn't understand."

"I don't think _I_ understand," Willow said. "You just stood there and let her kiss you again?"

Xan let her forehead meet the book in front of her and she groaned. "I wasn't thinking."

Willow patted Xan's back. "Love makes you do the wacky."

"I don't love her," Xan said without lifting her head. "I _can't_ love her."

"Do you want to love her?" Willow asked hesitantly.

Xan sat up and looked at Willow straight on. "No!"

"Then think about all the reasons you can't, I guess," Willow said. "Did you know she earned the name Spike by driving railroad spikes into the heads of her victims?"

She felt the blood leave her face. "Fun fact, Will," she said faintly.

"Was that too much?" Willow asked.

Xan swallowed hard. "I know she's evil. She's soulless and a monster and... and she makes me feel..."

"I'm sorry," Willow said quietly.

"She makes me feel like I'm the only other person in the world," Xan admitted softly.

The bell rang. Xan sat still for a few moments, staring straight ahead.

"C'mon, let's go to the library," Willow said, patting Xan's back again. "You'll feel better if you find something to research."

"Funny, I didn't think I was you," Xan said.

"It'll help. I promise."

It did help, a little. It was routine, and although they didn't have a new Big Bad to worry about, they researched anyway. Giles was supportive, Buffy was talkative again, and Willow – well, Willow kept sending her worried glances, but other than that she was just the same.

When Xan got home that night, a small package was waiting for her. Inside the box was a diamond necklace in the shape of a heart. The card only said, "From Spike and Dru."

She touched the heart gently, as if it might fall apart under her fingertips. She bit her lip and raised it to her neck, looking in the mirror. It was beautiful.

She quickly fastened the clasp around her neck and hid the pendant beneath her shirt. She'd wear it, but she wouldn't show off. No one had to know.

*

**October 8**

Spike was tense. The Slayer's gang was fighting vampires, and it was all Spike could do not to jump in and protect Xan. But she stood back in the shadows, watching. She didn't want to get into a scrap with Buffy yet.

The Slayer staked a vampire that had come too close, and Spike could breathe easy again. Xan was so vulnerable, so fragile as a human, and Spike wanted that to change.

Soon. It would have to be soon.

So caught up in her thoughts, Spike didn't notice at first the demon that was stalking the Slayer. It was tall and black-skinned, with orange eyes and thick muscles. By the time Spike called out a warning, Xan was jumping on its back and stabbing it in the neck with a wooden stake.

The demon – Spike had never seen anything like it before – didn't get dead, it got angry. It slung Xan from its back and turned to stalk her. The Slayer kicked at its legs, trying for a clean sweep, but it didn't go down. It stumbled slightly, but then it continued to loom over Xan.

Xan backed up on her hands and feet, looking up at the demon in terror.

Spike attacked.

Between the Slayer and Spike, the heavy demon fell, nearly shaking the ground as it did. The Watcher threw a sword to the Slayer, and Buffy severed the demon's head cleanly.

"What are you doing here?" the Slayer asked, panting lightly.

Spike offered a hand to Xan and helped her to her feet. "Saving your life, looks like."

"What was that?" Willow asked. "It was scary."

"I've never seen that breed of demon before," Giles answered, watching Spike cautiously.

Xan looked into Spike's eyes before ducking her head. "Thank you," she said.

"Yeah, thanks," Willow said.

"I should be dusting you," Buffy said threateningly. "Are you stalking Xan?"

"Just watching out for her," Spike said. "And I'm glad I was."

"Buff, can you give us some space?" Xan asked. "I want to talk to Spike."

"No way am I leaving you alone with her," Buffy answered. Spike rolled her eyes.

"Not gonna rip her throat out," she said.

"Buffy," Willow said, "let them talk."

The Slayer looked doubtful, but she nodded slowly. "You saved her life. I guess I owe you this much. And it's only because it's what Xan wants."

Xan tugged on Spike's arm, leading her behind a crypt and out of the view of her friends. She leaned back against the wall and looked at Spike, her deep brown eyes unfathomable.

"What did you want to talk about?" Spike asked softly. She stepped closer.

"I- I don't know," Xan said. "I just wanted to thank you."

"Already did that, love."

Boldly, Xan grabbed on to Spike's duster and pulled her closer, close enough to kiss. "I can't stop thinking about you," she admitted quietly.

Spike brushed her lips against Xan's. "Tell me what you've been thinking."

"That you're all wrong for me. That you're something I'm supposed to fight," Xan said. "That I don't know if I can go without seeing you."

"You're seeing me now," Spike said with a smile.

"It's only been a few days," Xan said, "but I feel like I know you. When you touch me..."

Spike brushed her fingers down Xan's cheek and watched as the girl's eyes fluttered shut. "You don't want me to stop."

"When you touch me I feel ... special."

"Ah, love," Spike said. "You are special. So special."

Xan pulled her closer and kissed her harder. "Do you say that to all the girls?"

"Definitely not," Spike said, pressing herself more firmly against her.

"You feel so good," Xan breathed.

"So do you," Spike said, and licked into Xan's mouth, slicking tongue against tongue. Xan moaned and Spike pulled her closer, as close as she could.

"We shouldn't be doing this," Xan murmured.

"Do you want to stop?" Spike asked, just as soft.

"Never."

*

**October 9**

"You're going to get yourself killed," Angel said. He was lurking behind the stacks in the library while Xan sat at the table. He must have come up through the tunnels. No one else was around.

"Did Buffy send you?" Xan asked, not looking up from her book. She was annoyed as hell.

"She didn't have to," Angel said. He walked down the steps to stand in front of Xan. "I know how Spike operates."

"But you don't know me," Xan said. "And you really don't have any right to talk to me about bad relationship decisions."

Angel winced. "Buffy and I are different."

"Because you have a soul?" Xan asked. "That's a crock of shit. You're still a vampire and she's the Slayer. Not exactly mixy, if you know what I mean."

"You have no idea what you're doing. Spike is-"

Xan cut him off. "A monster. I know." She closed the book and hid the picture of Drusilla she'd been looking at. "But from what I gather, you've done a lot worse than just kill some people."

"She'll kill everyone who stands in the path of you two being together," Angel said.

"Then I suggest you get out of the way," Xan said. It came out snottier and more immature than she would have liked.

"What about Buffy? And Willow? What if _they_ get in Spike's way?" Angel asked. "Do you want to see them die? Because Spike _will_ kill them."

"Shut up," Xan said, running her hands through her hair. "Just go away."

"Not until I've made you see what a mistake this is," Angel said.

"You think I haven't thought this through," Xan said. "You think I'm going into this blind. I'm not."

"You're only seeing what you want to see," Angel said.

"You know, when I'm reading all this," Xan said, nodding at the book, "I'm seeing more 'And then Angelus tortured and killed an entire cloister of nuns' and less 'Spike was a bad girl'."

Angel looked pained. "But I've changed. Spike hasn't."

_Maybe she could change,_ Xan thought. Angel looked at her like he knew exactly what she was thinking.

"She doesn't have a soul," Angel said. "She's a demon."

Xan raised her head and set her jaw. "A demon who loves me."

*

"It isn't safe for you to be here," Spike said again. Dru was walking steadier, but she was still riddled with bruises and was as weak as a human.

"You're my lady knight," Dru said. She smiled and led Spike onto the dance floor. "I know you'll protect me."

The Bronze was crowded, the music pulsing. Strobe lights flashed and made the people appear in stop-motion. Spike wrapped her arms around Dru's waist and danced close.

She felt Xan before she saw her.

Their eyes met across the room and for one long moment, the world stopped moving. Then Spike smiled and motioned Xan to join them.

Xan's eyes cut to Dru and back again. There was a spark of jealousy there, but it was overpowered by curiosity. Hesitantly, she walked forward.

Dru turned around and pressed her back against Spike, then held out her arms. Xan paused halfway there, as if she wasn't sure what she should do. Spike motioned again and kissed Dru's neck.

Xan licked her glossy lips and then moved into Dru's arms. "Nice to meet you," she said, and Spike laughed softly.

"I've been waiting so long for you, kitten," Dru murmured.

"I didn't realize I was late," Xan said. Then, as Dru bent her head to breathe in Xan's scent, "Don't kill me."

Spike rested her chin on Dru's shoulder and watched the two of them. They were exquisite together, two dark beauties.

She could smell the fear coming off Xan, but it was overpowered by longing. Spike pushed Xan's hair back from her face and smiled as Dru scented the girl again, her lips brushing against Xan's pulse.

"Shh, I know you're scared," Dru whispered against Xan's ear. "I can hear your thoughts buzzing like mosquitoes."

The music picked up, but still they swayed slowly and to their own rhythm.

"Shouldn't I be afraid?" Xan asked softly.

Dru petted Xan's hair in a gesture Spike recognized. Xan stiffened momentarily, then relaxed into the touch. Spike knew _that_, too. Xan hadn't been touched enough, and wasn't used to small kindnesses.

"I fear I shall die without seeing you walk in the moonlight," Dru said sadly. "I fear the sharp wooden bits, the ones that might pierce my heart."

Spike inhaled sharply. "Never happen, love," she said.

"Spike thinks she can protect me," Dru said, "but fate comes no matter where you hide."

Xan stared at them both in confusion. Spike tightened her arms around Dru's waist and kissed her neck again.

"I think you've been out long enough," she said. "I need to get you home."

Xan stepped back, as if she would leave.

"Come with us, kitten," Dru said, reaching out. "I want to get to know you."

"I shouldn't," Xan said nervously. "Buffy will be looking for me later, and Willow-"

Spike nodded her head towards Willow, who sat watching them from across the room. "Tell your little friend you've got a date."

Xan bit her lip and headed over to Willow's table. Spike couldn't hear their words over the music, even if she focused hard. They appeared to be arguing, though. Xan's face went from cautious to belligerent, and she shook her head hard. The redhead looked scared when Xan left her and joined them again.

"Let's just go," Xan said.

Dru smiled and touched her cheek softly. "Did the nasty little girl hurt your feelings?"

Spike nudged her to stay quiet.

"She's not- She's _Willow_," Xan said. "She's just trying to look out for me."

"She should mind her own bloody business," Spike retorted.

Xan sighed. "Yeah, maybe. Look, let's just leave, okay?"

"I have a secret," Dru sing-songed to Spike as they left the club. The scent of autumn permeated the night air, and Spike smiled.

"What's your secret, pet?"

"No, no," Dru said. "I mustn't tell." She walked between Spike and Xan, swinging their interlinked hands. She laughed, high and girlish. "Especially since it's such a _good_ secret."

Xan looked at them both and offered a hesitant smile.

*

"Home sweet home," Spike said.

Xan looked around the warehouse curiously. It was different than the other place Spike had brought her to. There was less clutter and more homey furnishings. There were also vampires. She'd seen at least half a dozen of them, and she had the feeling there were more lurking around.

"Don't be scared, love," Spike said, rubbing her back. "They won't hurt you. Not when you're with us."

"She's ours," Dru called out gleefully. "No touching."

It was such a bold proclamation that it made Xan blush. Was she really? And was she ready to belong that way? Did she really have a choice at this point? She felt trapped suddenly.

"Maybe I should go," she said weakly.

"You don't really want to leave," Spike said, pulling her into another room.

Xan swallowed and looked at the bed. The canopy dripped with lace and velvet. Dru hummed and swayed around the room, smiling to herself. She stopped in front of a shelf of dolls, turning them and whispering something Xan couldn't hear.

It was surreal to watch Spike shrug out of her duster, sit on the edge of the bed, and unlace her boots. Sure, they'd done this before, but it felt new. It was the first time since Xan had learned Spike was a vampire, and it was the first time with Dru. Xan's mind frantically tried to work out the mechanics of an all-girl threesome, but a steady look from Spike calmed her.

"Don't have to be nervous, love," Spike said, taking off her boots and holding out a hand.

Xan looked from Dru to Spike and shook her head. _I'm not_, she wanted to say, but it wouldn't have been the truth. She didn't want to lie to them. She took Spike's hand and stepped closer, until she was standing between her legs. Spike ran her hands up Xan's sides and then under her shirt. The coolness of the touch was refreshing on Xan's hot skin.

Dru walked closer and unfastened her dress. It fell into a pool on the floor. Dru was thin; Xan could see her ribs and hipbones. She had small, high breasts with dark nipples. Xan blushed at the sight even as her mouth watered.

"Beautiful, isn't she?" Spike said proudly, and Dru moved closer with effortless grace.

Xan felt as if she had swallowed her tongue. "Yeah," she managed to say as Spike unbuttoned her blouse.

"You're wearing our present," Dru said happily. Xan reached up and touched the pendant absently, smiling back.

"I didn't get to thank you for it," she said, feeling shy. "So... thanks. I really like it."

"Knew you would," Spike said, reaching up to unclasp Xan's bra. Xan felt exposed and vulnerable as the straps slid down her arms, but it wasn't entirely bad. Maybe it was okay to be like this with those you cared about.

Dru was smiling as if the secret she carried gave her great pleasure. Xan shivered and felt goosebumps break out over her skin.

"Cold, love?" Spike asked, rubbing Xan's arms up and down.

"Nervous," Xan admitted, ducking her head. _Scared._ Spike pushed her hair out of her face and pulled her down for a kiss.

It was gentle and unhurried, lips brushing against lips, and from the bed Dru made a pleased noise. Apparently she liked to watch.

Xan grew bolder and her fear fell away. She reached down to tug on Spike's tee-shirt. Spike lifted her arms and the shirt came off. Xan caught her breath. It was nothing she hadn't seen before, but the sight of Spike still made her feel heated all over. _Roasting with passion_ she'd read once, and thought it was a hilarious phrase, but now she could relate.

"She likes what she sees," Dru said smugly.

"Course she does," Spike said. She cupped Xan's breasts gently, dragging her thumbs over the nipples. Xan felt them tighten at the touch.

"Come here, kitten," Dru said, holding her arms wide. Xan moved into them cautiously as Spike stroked her hair back.

Dru pulled her close enough that their breasts flatted against each other.

"I can feel your heart beat into my body," Dru said, holding her tightly. Then, softly and mostly to herself, "The first and last and only."

Spike trailed her fingertips down Xan's back slowly. Xan arched into the touch, squirming against Dru.

"Kiss me, kitten," Dru said, and bit Xan's bottom lip. Moaning, Xan complied, opening her mouth.

Dru's kiss wasn't like Spike's. It was sharp and hungry, and Xan's stomach tightened with desire.

Hands roamed over Xan's body, and she felt her pants slip down her legs. She helped, kicking out of them, until she was lying on top of Dru in only her panties.

"Can you smell her, Spike?" Dru asked.

Xan blushed as Spike murmured a yes and kissed the small of her back. "She's ready for us, love."

Dru growled and tore Xan's panties away from her body. The sound made the little hairs on Xan's arms and the back of her neck stand up, and she was suddenly aware of how naked she was. But then Dru was shifting and sliding her leg between Xan's, pressing her cool thigh against Xan's pussy.

Rocking down restlessly, Xan let out a moan.

"Your lips are so sweet," Dru said, sliding her hand between her own legs and rubbing herself. "Like chocolate covered cherries."

Xan smiled as she felt lips on her shoulder. Spike's kisses were becoming sucking, nibbling things that set a blaze to her skin. She was trapped between two dangerous vampires and all she could do was moan in pleasure.

Dru kissed her again, deeper and more aggressive, one hand tangling in Xan's hair and tugging her head back. Xan's breath came quicker as she felt blunt teeth tease her throat. She was placing so much trust in the other woman – vampire – and she wasn't sure if she was intuitive or just crazy. Her instincts screamed at her to pull away and run, but at the same time it made her more sensitized. The danger heightened her pleasure and she heard Dru laugh softly against her skin.

Then Spike backed up and Dru tugged at her waist. Xan looked down at her quizzically, not knowing what she wanted.

"I want to taste you, kitten," Dru said. "My tongue is already tingling for you."

"Scoot up, love," Spike said. Xan hadn't known she could blush so much.

Slowly, Xan moved so that she was straddling Dru's face. She felt Spike get into position between Dru's legs.

The first cool lick between her folds made Xan tense and grab the headboard. Dru's arms wrapped around her legs, holding her firmly in place. Blunt teeth scraped lightly against her clit and Xan jerked and moaned.

Dru licked and sucked voraciously, her moans vibrating against Xan's pussy, making her whimper and rock involuntarily against Dru's face. Dru groaned in appreciation and pushed Xan's hips, teaching her how to move back and forth.

Growing bolder at the action, Xan began to ride, grinding down against Dru's mouth. Behind her, Spike's moans were muffled between Dru's legs.

Xan sat up straighter, still rocking, and pinched and tugged at her own nipples. Everything was fueling the fire as the three of them moved together, their voices echoing against the walls.

There was no other experience to compare this to. It was a fire blazing out of control, pushing Xan closer to coming. She heard her voice go ragged around the edges as she climbed higher, higher...

And then she was falling deep into the most intense pleasure she'd ever felt. Her orgasm was brilliant, as bright and hot as the summer sun, clear and sharp inside her.

Dru tensed beneath her and cried out, holding tight to Xan as if she'd fall without her. Spike laughed, low and happy, and moved up to flop beside them.

Xan came down, panting for breath and feeling boneless. She didn't even notice she was being jostled around until she found herself lying between Dru and Spike, cuddled close in their arms.

"What about you?" she mumbled to Spike.

"Later," Spike said, yawning. Her arm draped across Xan's middle with a kind of casual possessiveness.

Dru's head was pillowed on Xan's shoulder and her eyes were closed. "Such a good girl, my kitten," she whispered. "Don't forget me."

_How could I ever forget this?_ Xan thought, but was too tired to say. She nodded instead, then let her eyes slip closed.

*

**October 10**

Spike knew she should wake Xan. It was Thursday, and the girl had school. But she looked so sweet cuddled up with Dru that she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Humming softly, Spike left the room in search of John, one of her minions. Finding him, she said, "Get us some blood from Willy's. Human, none of that pig shite."

"Yes, Spike," John said, and headed in the direction of the tunnels. One day, if she managed to kill the Slayer, they would all be calling her Mistress.

But the thought of killing the Slayer wasn't as strong as usual. Xan liked the bitch, counted her as family, and Spike understood family. She would leave Buffy and Willow alone from now on. Their deaths would bring more trouble than they were worth.

Spike plopped down on the couch and turned on the telly. Her stories were already on, which meant it was around noon. Xan would probably wake up hungry, but Spike hadn't thought to tell John to buy human food. There was some cold pizza in their fridge, but she didn't know how long it'd been in there, or whether or not it was still good. She didn't want Xan getting sick.

Her thoughts shifted back to the Slayer, and by extension, Angel. She sighed, not wanting to feel what she felt. Angelus had been a real wanker, a total bastard, but he was still blood. She missed him like she would have missed an arm. He'd taught her so much in the short time they'd had together, pushed and challenged her, and she found she missed that. Even after all these years, he was still a sore place in her heart.

Dru missed him too, and was more vocal about it. Sometimes Spike was jealous of the way Dru talked about him, but he was her sire. Spike understood the bond of blood and pain.

There was no way to get him back, though. She and Dru were forming a new family, one with Xan, and she should be grateful for that. If only Xan would tolerate being turned.

But Xan didn't want to be anything but human, and Spike didn't want to take that choice away from her. For one, Xan would hate her for it, perhaps for decades. Being turned against one's will led to insanity and increased bloodlust, making one almost mindless with it for the first few months or years. Spike was lucky; she'd wanted everything Dru had ever done to her. That acceptance allowed her to keep more of her mind when she was turned; she was more herself than most vampires.

No, she couldn't turn Xan, not without serious repercussions.

John came back at the same time Marlena and Kristen got into a chick fight, and Spike took the blood without saying anything, fully engrossed in her stories.

*

Xan woke violently to a sharp pain in her neck. She jerked but that just made it hurt more.

"Shh, kitten," Dru said. Her fangs glinted with blood in the dim light.

Xan scooted away from her, suddenly fearful, her hand going over the wound on her neck. "What are you doing?"

"Sometimes you must be cruel to be kind," Dru said softly, and pulled Xan back under her. She was strong, too strong for Xan to get away. "I'm going away soon, and I don't want my Spike left all alone."

Xan stared up at her, fascinated and repulsed by Dru's demon face. "I don't understand."

"I hear pounding beneath your breast," Dru said, laying her hand flat against Xan's chest, over her heart. "You're so afraid."

"You're going to kill me," Xan said, wetting her dry lips. "Of course I'm afraid."

"You'll never die," Dru said. "I've seen the future. I know what happens to my kitten."

"You're going to turn me?" Xan asked hoarsely. She picked up her struggles even though it was fruitless.

"Shh. Not me," Dru said with a smile. "It wouldn't do to lose your sire so early. I know that pain. I wouldn't wish it on anyone I cared for."

"If you really care, let me go," Xan whispered.

"Oh, kitten," Dru said, licking blood from Xan's neck. "Mummy knows best."

Then white-hot pain shot through again as Dru bit down hard. Xan thought she felt something give way under Dru's fangs, muscle or vein or just Xan's will.

_I'm going to die,_ Xan thought over and over again hysterically. _I'm going to DIE._

Dru drank from her steadily, and Xan started counting down in her head until she couldn't keep her eyes open any longer. The world seemed very far away. She only wished Spike was there, to make it easier to let go. Spike would make her brave.

*

The sight that greeted Spike on his way into the room was a familiar one: Dru licking her fangs, blood dripping down her chin, with a prone body beneath her.

Only this time it was different. This time it was _Xan_.

"Bloody hell," Spike swore, hurrying to Xan's side. "What have you done?"

"I plucked the rose," Dru said, pulling back and letting Spike examine Xan.

"She's nearly gone," Spike murmured. "Have to get her to the hospital. Dammit, Drusilla!"

Dru stunned her with a slap to the face. "No time. The kitten will die soon."

Spike shook her head. "Unless I turn her." She stared at Xan's pale face and watched as brown eyes fluttered open weakly.

"Spike," Xan mouthed. She tried to lift her hand and failed. Spike took it, bringing Xan's palm to her lips.

"I have to turn you, love," Spike said regretfully. "I'll lose you if I don't."

There was no fear left in Xan's eyes, only resignation. Maybe even forgiveness.

Spike wasted no more time, shifting and popping her fangs. She bit into her own wrist and offered it to Xan.

Xan was weak. She couldn't latch on, could only open her mouth and allow the blood to drip on her tongue. Spike watched, fascinated, as she took her first swallow.

"Good kitten," Dru murmured. "Drink up and be strong."

Urged on, Xan opened her mouth again, taking another swallow of Spike's blood. Spike had never made a childe before. Minions yes, mindless pissants who obeyed because they never thought for themselves. But Spike would give Xan more blood than that, enough to make her almost as powerful as she was.

"Keep drinking," Spike said softly. She pushed Xan's hair away from her white face. "The more you drink, the stronger you'll be. And I want you strong."

"She'll walk beside you through eternity," Dru whispered.

Spike looked at her sharply. "You both will."

Dru shook her head, then smiled. "Do you both like my secret?"

"This was your secret?" Spike said.

"My secret and my surprise."

Xan's eyes were closing again, her mouth going slack against Spike's bloody wrist as she passed out. Spike took comfort in the fact that in the end, she'd wanted it, or at least accepted it.

"We must bury her," Dru said, cutting in on Spike's thoughts. "It's tradition."

"_We_ aren't doing anything, love," Spike said. "You need to stay here where it's safe. I can't guard Xan and you, too."

"Are you cross with me?" Dru asked in a small, childish voice.

Spike looked at her, watched her lower lip tremble, and shook her head. "Only a little, love. You should have told me what you were doing."

"Then you wouldn't have let me," Dru reasoned.

Spike picked Xan up into her arms, tight against her chest. She nodded grimly. "Right about that much."

*

Xan woke. There was something in her mouth, thick and choking, and she couldn't breathe. She couldn't _breathe_ and- And that didn't seem to matter. She was okay, even though she couldn't see, either. Blinking made cool crumbles of dirt roll against her face.

She was underground.

Thoughts came swiftly, flashes of what had happened, and fate clicked into place. She was alive. She was a vampire. She was _Spike's_.

She clawed at the soil, up towards what smelled like moonlight. Her hand finally hit air and then wrapped around another hand that was pulling her up, up into the night, until she was standing firm on the broken ground.

"Welcome back, love," Spike said, pushing dirt out of her hair. Xan smiled. She could feel the fangs cutting her lip but she didn't care.

"It's good to be back," she said, and wrapped her arms around her sire. Spike kissed her, dirt and all. It was a bloody kiss, but once again, Xan didn't care. Life had changed, and from where she stood now it had changed for the better.

They walked back to the warehouse, and Xan marveled at the way the night air smelled and tasted. It was beautiful, and Spike was breathtaking in the moonlight, even more so than usual. Everything was new and bright, colors more vivid, smells sharp in her nose.

"Are you mad at me?" Spike asked. She was looking at Xan with pride and trepidation.

"For turning me?" Xan asked. She cocked her head, listening to the sounds of the night.

"You would've died," Spike said. "Dru made sure of that."

Dru had forced the issue. Xan understood that now. What she didn't understand was Dru's adamance that she wouldn't be around.

"I'm not mad at you for it," Xan reassured. Then, "Why does Dru think she's going to die?"

Spike visibly tensed. "Dru gets visions sometimes of what's to come. She had a vision..."

"Of her death?" Xan asked, and shuddered. Spike wrapped her arm around her shoulders, walking close beside her.

"Yeah."

"Do her visions always come true?" Xan asked fearfully. She'd only just found them, she didn't want to lose part of her family.

Spike nodded sharply. Xan didn't ask any more questions.

A sharp, gnawing hunger hit her on the way past the Bronze. She could smell sweat and blood, mingled with what she instinctively knew was the scent of sex. She started walking towards the entrance.

"Not so fast, love," Spike said, turning her around.

"But I'm hungry," Xan said. Whined, really. "And that place is full of food."

"You can't go in there looking like you do," Spike said.

Xan looked down at herself. She was covered in dirt. It clung to her clothes and her skin. It was probably all over her face. She reached up to wipe at it and felt the new ridges of the demon.

"...Oh. Right," she said.

"Wait until you can control it before going out in public, love," Spike instructed. "It's a lot safer that way."

Xan kept feeling her forehead, wishing she had a mirror. Though it wouldn't have helped; vampires didn't have reflections.

"I need a bath and fresh clothes, I guess," Xan said, but hunger was sharp in her stomach. She turned back to the Bronze wistfully.

"If you wait in the alley I'll bring you a treat," Spike said with a smile. She tugged Xan along into the shadows.

"Hurry back," Xan said. She could hardly wait for her first meal.

As she waited, a small part of her said this was wrong, that feeding off some innocent person wasn't the thing to do. But it was a _very_ small part, and the demon inside her was ravenous.

The side door opened and Xan stood straighter, licking her lips in anticipation. But it wasn't Spike coming through, it was Angel.

"I felt you," Angel said, not looking at her at first. Then he turned his gaze to hers and shifted. Xan understood the demon saw more clearly in the dark than the human self. Glowing amber eyes bored into hers.

"I can feel you, too," Xan said. She reached out with rudimentary mental skill, tugging on the connection she felt.

Angel rocked back, obviously feeling the pull. "Don't do that," he growled.

"We're blood," Xan said, reaching out with her hand to touch Angel's chest. She didn't know why she did it, only that it felt right. Angel's eyes closed and he shook his head.

"I have to kill you," Angel said, drawing a stake from his pocket.

"Well at least you sound sad about it," Xan said, smiling but backing away. Then her back hit the alley wall and she couldn't go further.

"You still sound like Xan," Angel said, shaking his head again.

"That's because she's still is, you bloody wanker," Spike said, coming up from behind Angel. The girl she'd been pulling along ran back into the club, frightened and confused. Xan watched her go regretfully.

Angel pivoted and looked at Spike. "You turned her?"

"Dru didn't give me a choice," Spike answered.

Now that she was no longer human, Xan could feel something palpable between the two of them, something with history. Jealousy made her stomach twist.

"You could have let her die. I know Xan didn't want to be turned," Angel said.

Spike stared at Angel for a long moment, then snorted. "She wanted it at the end. Didn't you, pet?"

"I knew I wanted to live," Xan said, as much for Angel as it was for Spike. "And I knew I wanted to be with you."

"Fucking children," Angel spat. "Both of you. Do you know what you've done? Buffy will never stop hunting you now."

"We'll get out of town," Xan said quickly. She didn't want to fight Buffy. She still loved her, still thought of her as one of her best friends, even though the new demon inside her hissed the word 'Slayer' as an anathema.

Spike shook her head. "If Dru's going to recover, the best place to do that is on the hellmouth. And I've heard rumors of a cure."

"But Buffy-" Xan said, then cut herself off. "Maybe I could talk to her." But that was probably just wishful thinking. Willow would accept her, she always did, no matter what. And Willow was family, had been since they were small. But Buffy thought in black and white, good and evil. She wouldn't let Xan get away with this.

"I'll talk to her," Angel said, startling Xan from her thoughts.

"And say what?" Spike said. "I doubt you'll get her to change her mind."

"Let me worry about that," Angel said. "Now get out of here."

Xan frowned. "But I'm still hungry."

"You can feed from me, love," Spike said. "And there's bagged blood back home."

Angel turned to walk away, then stopped. "If I could, I'd wish you luck," he said without turning around. Then he continued on and left.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Xan asked when he was gone.

"That, love, is Angel's way of giving his blessing," Spike answered. She snorted. "As if we need anything from him."

But Xan knew it had touched something deep inside her, just as she knew that Angel was family.

*

**October 11**

The sun was just beginning to rise as they ducked into the warehouse. They were greeted with the sight of Buffy holding a stake to Dru's heart.

Dru seemed to ignore the Slayer, staring at Xan with a wondrous smile. "She's beautiful," she breathed.

Buffy jerked Dru's arm and tightened her grip.

"Slayer," Spike said, poised to fight. He didn't move any closer, though, his gaze sharp on the stake.

"I was going to ask you where Xan was," Buffy said, sounding uncertain. Like she didn't know what she'd do now.

"I'm right here," Xan said. "And I'm fine."

"You're a vampire," Buffy spat. "That's not _fine_."

"Look, just... just let Dru go," Xan said, and Spike growled menacingly.

"No," Buffy said. She looked at Xan, tears brimming in her eyes. "I can't let any of you go. You're all going to die."

"Buffy," Willow said, coming out of the shadows. "You can't. You can't kill Xan."

Xan turned and looked at Willow, scenting the air. Willow smelled good, like what home used to be. She wasn't the same as Spike or Dru, or even Angel. Not blood, but still kin.

"Willow, get back," Buffy said, but she was walking closer, coming to Xan.

"You're a _vampire_," Willow said in wonder. "I don't believe it."

Spike's arm shot out and she grabbed Willow, pulling her close and threatening her with her fangs. "Let Dru go or the redhead gets it."

Xan might have squeaked. Spike sent her a look that meant, _Don't worry, I wouldn't._

The ruse worked. Buffy shoved Dru away from her in disgust. "Let Willow go," she said.

Dru fell into Xan's arms. "I thought I was going to die," she said in confusion. "I saw it." Then she lifted her hands and gently moved them over Xan's face. "You're perfect."

Spike let go, and Willow ran back to Buffy.

They were at a standoff now. Buffy faced Spike head on, hatred on her face. But there was also grief there, and resignation.

Xan handed Dru off to Spike and walked closer to the humans. She could smell their tears.

"Look, Buff," she said, "I'm not a monster. I'm hungry and could probably eat someone, but I haven't yet and I'm not sure I want to." It was a lie, but it sounded good. "I'm still _me_, good ole Xan."

"You're a demon," Buffy said. Her lower lip trembled but her stance didn't change.

"I just want to live my life," Xan said, walking closer. Buffy stiffened.

"Buffy, maybe we should listen," Willow said. She was visibly shaken but the way she looked at Xan – well, it was the way she'd been looking at her all their lives. There was friendship there, and love, and some exasperation.

"She's a vampire," Buffy said, picking up a crossbow. "And I'm the Slayer."

Xan took a step back. "You don't want to do this."

"I do a lot of things I don't want to do. Like waxing," Buffy said. A tear dripped down her face, at odds with her words. She pointed the crossbow at Dru.

"No!" Xan cried, and as if in slow motion, stepped in front of a flying bolt.

_I'm going to die_, she thought, but this time she was resigned. The mental words didn't come as a hysterical cry, but as dry, hard fact.

The bolt imbedded itself in Xan's chest. Willow called out her name in anguish. Xan fell backwards, into Spike's arms, knowing that at any moment, she would burst into ash.

Spike held her tightly. "Missed the heart," she said. Her voice was rough and filled with relief. "By inches."

Xan laughed and then coughed. It felt like the bolt was piercing her lungs.

Dru hissed and clutched her head. "The bad dream has gone away." Then she knelt with Spike and held Xan's shoulders as Spike pulled the bolt from Xan's chest. Pain flared and made her cry out.

Willow wrestled the crossbow from Buffy's hands. "No more," she said. "Please, just leave them alone."

Buffy swallowed hard enough that Xan heard it. "I'll give you one chance," she said, her voice steel. "Get out of town. If I see you again, you'll die."

"It's been so long since we've been to London," Dru mused, running her hand through Xan's hair, her fingernails light scrapes on the scalp.

"I've never been out of Sunnydale," Xan said. She coughed. Too much talking.

Spike looked back and forth between Xan and Buffy before sighing. "I s'pose it _has_ been too long since we were in merry old England."

"Good," Buffy said. "That's good."

"We'll leave once the sun goes down," Spike promised. Then, "Talk to Angel."

Buffy gave her a sharp look, then nodded. She looked brittle, as if she might fall into pieces if she didn't hold herself so tightly together.

And then Buffy and Willow went home, leaving the vampires alone.

*

The drive out of Sunnydale was peaceful. Music blasted through the speakers, but Dru slept on in the back seat, having tired herself out fighting the Slayer.

Xan looked out the window, watching for mile markers or some other sign she was leaving her old life behind for good.

Spike looked straight ahead to the future.

END


End file.
